33 Black

2 Tuesdays ago I accidently bet 33 black and won. I was playing bitcoin roulette. I thought I was betting odd. It won a near max bet and I won 1500 worth. I proceeded to gamble that into 10,000 dollars over the last weeks. I have won about 17,000 dollars profit worth of bitcoin this year. I was able to pay many debts. My girlfriend told me I’m a part of her. It means the world to me. I wish I was dead. I wish I was dead. I’m basically broke. I was in all kinds of debt. Now I’m just broke. I wish I was dead. I’m in a better position now than I have been physically emotionally and financially and I’ve never wished I was dead more. What is wrong with me. Why can’t I be happy ? Why can’t I want to live. Why? I wish people didn’t do the selfish stupid thing every time. Its what really kills me when I play the fool again. I disappoint myself continuing to get played on some level or another. I’m just sick of humanity. My biggest problem is I’ve always given more consideration than anyone really deserves. I cared too much. As long as you care about people they can hurt you. They will too. For convenience or maybe personal gain or indifference. Petty anger. Maybe something more serious. No one has conviction anymore. Mostly. I still feel like I’m hanging from a thread. The thread is very thing. More easily cut and broken now. Financial obligations covered emotional reassurances. Not such a ugly corpse anymore. Living in general is mostly shit. Good luck. You’ll need it.