I’ve been depressed for as long as I can remember. Looking back, I was a sad, quiet, depressed kid. Thought I was just lonely kid with little to no friends. But now that I know better I do think that I was just such a dark, gloomy, sad girl. Maybe I had sad aura that made people not wanting to get close to me.
I think it’s true nowadays too. It’s almost like I repel people. People won’t want to get to know you if you look sad or miserable. I used to just cry and felt sad everyday, every minute for being so depressed. I’m still sad now, BUT, I now can rationalize my unlucky life. I see my depression as my punishment in life. Maybe I was such an evil person in my previous lives (I believe in reincarnation) and being so sad in my life now is just justice.
Also, here’s what I usually say to myself whenever I feel like asking “why me?” I was born healthy and am still health. I’m not blind, don’t have any deathly illness, I don’t have anything wrong with me physically. THEREFORE, my life should be balanced out with such torturous mind, sad thoughts, and lonely, empty, miserable life and heart. No one has a perfect life. I do have a “perfect” outside/physical life, but I’m cursed with deathly mind health.
This is my burden and my punishment. I often think about ending my life, but I think I hate myself too much for letting myself have an easy way out of this sadness. I’m such an ungrateful sad person and that’s why my depression should punish me throughout my surely long, un-interupted life. Oh yeah, I’m sure I’ll have a long life until I’m 80 or 90 years old. I just know it…I won’t get an easy way out of this life.
Make me always wonder too…seeing news on how people die by accident (car crash, gun violence, terrorist attacks, etc) or other medical illness. I bet they loved their lives and didn’t want to die. And here I am, wanting to die, but how come I’m never in freak accidents? I have nobody or nothing of importance (career wise or relationships) in this life. Take me instead! Not those people with family, responsibilities, loves. I’d be so glad to exchange my life with one of them.
Yeah, life is not fair.
3 comments
I know how you feel. I remember when I felt this most strongly on my 5th birthday… my mum had died 1 year and 2 weeks ago and I had several friends round at my aunt’s to celebrate (my new home), Everybody was talking away and fitting in better than they did with me. So I went down and sulked in my bedroom. It’s always been this way… I’ve never fitted in and most people have persecuted and rejected me my whole life. Today it’s unbearable. I’m afraid of leaving my house and going anywhere or even talking on the phone because I know people will judge me. I’m not sure for certain, but I feel like I haven’t got long to live. I can feel your pain though, and i’m sorry x
This made me actually make an account so I could comment. I FEEL EXACTLY THE SAME WAY. I could not have said it better myself. I often think it’s unfair how so many people have failed suicide attempts and so many people have freak accidental deaths. Why couldn’t they all just be swapped? I’ve been considering suicide for a long time now but because of you this is the first time of considering that my mental issues are my burden to bare in life to make up for my good life.
I sometimes think about hurting myself physically so that I can reverse my miserable existence. I mean, I see people in wheelchair or who are blind that are happier than me. I used to live in a third world country and saw kids lived under the bridge who looked happier than me.
I believe I’m so unlucky to be “lucky”.