Final thoughts

Its been a while. Well not as long as for some people.I have heard stories of some people who have been tacking depression for 10 years, 15 years and I used to think to myself that there was no way I had the strength for that shit. Here I am , about 6 months into severe depression and it looks like this aint gonna go on for too long.  I even started reading depressing books. People would say that this is the worst time for it. But honestly, reading books about good people being screwed over makes me feel like I have company. Like Im not the only one who gets to die young. I tried writing a diary but I couldnt stop thinking about it. And I used to read what I wrote and it was so dark , I would relive it. So I threw the diary. But I guess knowing that an end is near makes me feel lighter than I have ever been. Its been a long and arduous fight. And then I thought that maybe I should see the world completely before I leave it. Im thinking of travelling before I do it(Please share any fantastic travel experiences or recommendations for places if you are a traveler). Easier said than done.

I have been working towards preparing myself for my final moments. Taking your life is not an easy ordeal I would assume, and it would be nice to be as less sad as possible when that moment comes.I tell myself its ok to do it. A lot of people have it bad too. Its not like I have been screwed over on purpose. Cause honestly sometimes I feel like I have been f***** in the a*** for no reason.  I guess thats gonna end soon. Of course all hope is not lost. Im gonna give it one last shot. But it doesnt look like anything is going to happen given that the last shots missed so miserably. Trying to be strong for myself here. Life wasnt easy. No reason for death to be hard right? Does anybody feel like punching a wall when they see a couple smiling and walking hand in hand, or that kid listening to music and laughing? Why do they get to be happy? These questions take the life out of me. And its all I can do to remind myself that in a few months, maybe even weeks, I wont feel miserable anymore. I wont fight no more. And then something happens that makes me think, ” What if I stayed alive?Maybe Jennifer Lawrence will marry me.”

This is seriously messed up. Why the hell do the poor get poorer? Can a bus just run me over already?

I want some advice from people who successful committed suicide as to how they did it. How did they ease the transition? I cant get than now can I?

Jesus Christ.