I keep slipping further and further down, this life is a bottomless pit. I’ve sold almost everything I’ve owned, my house (freely rented since I became homeless) is a state, I look like shit, I can’t sleep, communicate or learn, and I’m too depressed to do anything about to care for those things. I’ve been racking my a brains trying to find some way of making money, looking into things I shouldn’t but I’m too stupid to even make money illegally. It’s all patched up or too complicated. I’m clinging on for dear life but I’m already dead. I can’t accept it, I’ve always had such a lust and ambition for life but every time I wake up I remember exactly who I am and it rips my heart apart. I don’t want to die. I can’t bear this. I can’t even cry I’m that destroyed. If I could just pick one thing like Web design and devote everything to it as long as I can bear maybe ill get somewhere but probably not. If this is the end why don’t I just sell the car, get a loan and feel a flicker of life before I die. It’s so important I make the right decision.
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2 comments
Just because we can’t see one, it doesn’t mean there isn’t one.
The one good thing you’ve got going is that all your troubles are external, i.e. there are no internal demons like mourning, guilt, rage tormenting you (unless you just haven’t mentioned them?). This means if you can get free of your external troubles, you’re more or less in the clear. Tall order but still possible.
Debt is brutal. Like you said, it sends you down a bottomless pit. But you know what, they abolished debtor’s prison a hundred years ago so at least the cops won’t come after you. I was in a similar spot once, and I decided to just walk away. Literally throw all my remaining possessions in a sack and walk to Brazil (I was in New York). I never made it, which is possibly why I’m on a suicide site today, but at the time I was saved by the idea that I was free to go wherever my feet could take me.
Maybe you can take this as an opportunity to have an adventure that most people only dream about. When/if you get back you can always kill yourself then.