.. But I want to get this off my chest. I need to.
I came across this website an hour ago, I figured I could possibly post my thoughts here, because it’s just a forum right? No quick replies, no need to put up a front; because I’m fake. I want to be real, I want people to know the truth about me. All my life I put up a front. I act like an apathetic asshole.. But that’s not who I am and it’s just this bad habit. It’s this wall I have, because I’m afraid. Every time I tear down this wall I get hurt… But all I’m doing is hurting people and pushing everyone away. I’m literally alone. I have absolutely no friends and my parents and I don’t get along. There’s reasons why we don’t get along. But I just want to tell who I am, not my story. Just who I really am.
I am a monster. I hurt everyone. I’m like fire, burning away everything I touch. Fire isn’t meant to be played with, so why stick around to get burned? Do people like getting burned? Maybe for self mutilation but this hurt I cause is hurt to the heart. I am just this bundle of negativity that tears down every source of happiness due to fear, this fear due to past experiences, but these past experience which happened due to one single worry. I can’t trust. I can’t trust no matter how hard I try to. I’m delusional. It’s my fault. I want to love, take chances for friendship, feel worry free. But alas, a single worry ruins it all.
I want people to know that… This apathetic asshole of a Debbie downer that always makes people feel pained… Is not who I am. I am not a bully, I am not a reclusive weirdo, I am not a heartless person. I am not a heartless person.. Please.. Believe me. Believe that I care, that I have a heart, that I can love. What everyone believes about me, is just a bad habit, my heartless front.
I’m just so afraid that when I meet someone.. They’ll end up walking away. That’s why. No one ever takes the time to get to know me. Every person I’ve torn my walls down for either used me, or gave me a reason not to trust. Or when I try to love, to have a relationship with, I always end up leaving the moment I get hurt or whenever I feel overwhelmed… Or they give me a reason to not trust.. Or they use me for sex. I don’t give it to them. I don’t. I am not a boy hopping whore who sleeps with everyone. I am someone who’s afraid to tear down their walls.
I keep hurting people and I can’t change.
This is why I am contemplating suicide. I hurt everyone around me, and I’m hurting inside. I don’t know what I’m doing anymore; I’m just holding on by a small string of hope.
I just wish I wasn’t afraid anymore.
5 comments
Look i know what it’s like to feel like a monster, to scream inside you head and wish that people would leave you alone because you’re afraid that you’ll hurt them. I’m the last person you should take advice from, because like you, I’m alone sad and scared of myself. I feel like that when I do what i do, whether i cut, burn and write down all the negative things about on paper; I’ll always feel useless, but i just wanted to say that if you ever want to talk or just complain/rant to me i’ll listen cause to be honest we all need someone like that to keep us sane, or maybe a little less insane then we are.
The first step to fixing a problem is to realize that it exists. It’s a good sign that you can at least recognize what is going on, even in a situation like you describe where you can only acknowledge it on a medium like this website where you aren’t worried about having to pretend to be something different. Someone in the world is likely somebody with the exact same problem as you except they can’t even shut it off and realize what they are doing in ANY situation, on a website or in their own mind. So at least you’re aware of what you have the tendency to do in your real life and what you wish you could change.
It’s a vicious circle, getting hurt by people and then keeping yourself behind walls to avoid getting hurt again. I’m familiar with the cycle. Easier said than done, but you just have to try to get yourself to accept that every situation and person is different. Flipping a coin has 50/50 odds every time, no matter if it landed on tails the last 50 times. Every relationship will be different. 10 people in a row hurting you has nothing to do with whether or not the next person will be the most amazing person you’ve ever met. It’s human nature to try to recognize patterns in things, but sometimes what we believe just isn’t true. It’s natural that if people hurt us over and over, we start to look at it as “other people = pain” rather than remembering that it’s just those specific people who hurt us, and that maybe the next one will be different.
And the real irony of the entire situation, and maybe something that will help you break out of it, is the fact that your efforts to avoid feeling pain…. are causing you pain. You put up walls for protection, hurt people and push people away, trying to avoid pain. And this behavior is causing you pain. So what’s the point? You hurt either way, so why not stop building the walls? Hiding behind walls or pushing people away has the potential of a 100% success rate of keeping your distance from people. Whereas allowing yourself to risk getting close to people might bring more pain into your life, but has an equal chance that you might finally meet somebody different. Both strategies involve pain, and the strategy of putting up walls seems like it has a higher chance for misery than just facing up to the thing you’re trying to hide from in the first place.
If putting up walls was working for you, you wouldn’t be here in the first place and this discussion wouldn’t be happening. So it’s clear your efforts to avoid feeling emotional pain are not working anyway.
It’s like saying you hate rainy weather so you’ve decided to live your life indoors, but you miss sunny weather. Well, if you go outside, some days might rain, some days might be sunny. You might feel protected from rain if you live indoors forever, but you miss out on the days you’d enjoy being outside, too.
I’m very familiar with the temptation to just want to avoid people entirely because of past pain, but it doesn’t really work either.
Hmmm i have my problems too that’s why i joined this website and wrote my mind out, i guess we all have problems and the difficult thing is to find a solution for it. There are things we cant say to our family maybe because we are afraid that they wont understand or they will end up pitying us but i guess we all have to keep on living these problems will definitely wont last forever, for sure we will also get wat we dearly want so don’t opt for suicide thingy, it is better to write ur problem here although we wont be able to solve but atleast someone is there to listen to it
You are not a monster. Being afraid of other people when you have been hurt in the past is normal. Some take it to the extreme tho (i’ve isolated myself from everything and everyone due to it), and that’s no good. In time it’s better to trust partially on everyone you know until proven wrong, easier said than done but being cautious is better.
Keep in mind tho, most of the people you’ll meet on your “journey” will walk away at one moment or another, and you yourself will walk away from some people in your life, so you are not wrong there. But there’s hopefully going to be a couple of them who will stick by you, if you let them.
We all have in-build coping mechanisms to help us with life’s problems like putting up a wall around us to hide behind, to act in a way that hides our insecurities, realising this is a way to change it and to let your true feeling out but it’s important to find the right person to confide in.