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I feel so empty

by GloomySteel

Where to begin… I’ll be 19 next week and I still don’t know what do I want from life, I don’t even know what would I like to do in the future, what would make me happy. It all started around the age of 10 I guess, my parents got devorced and we moved in the new environment. But I wasn’t really sad beacouse of the devorce tbh, it was the new environment, I wasnt excepted there, I was an outsider. But that was only the begining, at first I thought it made me stronger and it did in some way but since that year I can’t say I had 1 read friend, I had few but non who I could really talk to about my problems. But that never’ve bothered me…I liked being alone… It was the fact that whatever I do…I’m not happy…even the stuff that used to make me happy aren’t the same, or when I’m with friends are we(they) are having a good time and I’m really trying to laugh and enjoy that time but all I can do is put on a fake smile….I really hate when I need to fake a smile…but I don’t want to worrie people around me. I even had a summer job last year where I was cleaning the windows at the gass station and you need to smile all the time so you can earn good money…It was so darn annoying job…I even hated myself for doing it but I needed the cash. I’ve never visited a psychiatrist or some other specialist beacouse I didn’t want my parents or other siblings to know I’m gloomy and depressed, they have enough problems theirselfs. Or maybe I’m just scared, I dont know for sure…I don’t know what to expect…Maybe I’ll grow this depression? And there was also this strange “friend” if I may call her that, we meet only once but we were texting quite a lot, she was in some strange stuff, bipolar tho and she claimed there is some sort of life after death…never explained that to me, always said she will tell me when I was ready.. I’ve never understanded this…but It got me woundered maybe there is something more in the other side…maybe I’m just being too curious, but unknown nothing still sounds better than unhappy emptiness ahed of my life…

 

~Living is just a slow way to die – Mortal love

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