Suicide is something that most people will contemplate at some point in their life, but how common is it for a 5-year-old?
It was the middle of the summer holidays after my first year of school, I wanted more than anything to go out and do something in the nice weather, (which is rare where I live, even in the summer) I wasn’t asking for anything extravagant – even to just go to the beach and get an ice-cream would have been a fantastic day out for me, but, of course, my parents couldn’t afford it. I remember spending weeks in my room, bored out of my mind, crying with the pain of hunger and being too afraid of my father to ask for something to eat.
Ahh, my father, for how long will I owe you these psychological scares….?
I have always been (and probably always will be) desperately poor, but when I was younger, on paper at least, my family was doing okay, my father had a full-time job as a mechanic and earned over £3,000 a month… but it was his £3,000 a month. My father would give my mum all of £50 a week to look after my sister and I, while the rest of his pay went on himself – on Drugs, Alcohol and silly, unnecessary things  (like C.D’s).
Toward the end of the summer, after many weeks of doing nothing and having nothing, I was laying in bed crying (as I did most nights, and sometimes still do) at around 3-4 in the morning, thinking to myself “What is the point of this? Why was I born if all my life is going to be is agony?”, so I got up out of my bed, went down to the kitchen and found a small, sharp knife. Now obviously, being 5-years-old, I didn’t really know the best way to go about trying to kill myself, but I knew that I didn’t want to be alive anymore, so I held the knife in-front of my stomach with the blade pointing towards me and pushed myself into the kitchen cabinet.
The wound I suffered wasn’t that bad, my hand had slipped and instead of stabbing myself as intended I had ended up with a small, shallow slash just below my belly-button, crying out in pain I threw the knife in the sink and got the first-aid kit out of the drawer it was kept in. I whipped my scar with Anti-Septic wipes, put on a large plaster and rolled a bandage around myself – no-one in my family ever found out what I had done and they still don’t know to this day.
I have been thinking about suicide a lot recently, at least once a day, and I know for absolute 100% certainty that that feeling would go away if I had MONEY.
I just can’t contemplate how anyone around me can even afford to be alive, the prices of the simplest things like food and water is well beyond my means, I DESPERATELY need a new car, but as my disposable income is £0 and the cost of a new car (plus running costs) is around £33,000 I just don’t see how I’m EVER going to be able to afford it.
I’m a full-time student, I have just finished my 2nd year of college and I have another 6 years to go, but, the college I will be attending next year is much further away from my home, as the course I am studding is not offered at the level I will be moving on to at my local college (which is within walking distance).
I am dedicated to my college work, I had one day off this year to have minor surgery and went straight back to college the next day (against my doctors warnings) and even won an award for my efforts this year.
I REALLYÂ want to do well in life, I’m not asking for an easy ride or to not have to work for anything. I want to feel accomplished in myself, and when I’m 60-years-old, I want to be able to look back on the things that I do now and say “You made the right decision”, and in order to do this, I need to be able to finish college and get a good job.
So unless I win the lottery or some kind soul gives me the money to buy and run a car for 6-years, this is what will happen;
- I will have to drop out of college.
- I will be unable to go back to college as I dropped out of a course (yes they are that strict).
- I will be unable to get a good job as I will not be qualified.
- I will be poor forever.
- I will never be happy (Yes I care about money more than love)
OR
- I will kill myself.
And before you say “Get a job!”, I have looked in all the local papers, I check online everyday and I ask in stores if they are hiring and as I am not a qualified nurse or mechanic but I AM a full-time student,  there are NO JOBS THAT I CAN DO in my area.
7 comments
Normally I wouldn’t touch replying to such a post, but I have to tell you that your writing is exquisite, especially when you factor in your life of hardship. I can’t offer you advice, but I’m not letting this slide. I think that if you put yourself out there enough, someone will help/hire you quicker than you could ever imagine.
You are incredibly, incredibly gifted, Tzik. You probably don’t hear that enough, but you should.
Poverty is horrific. Growing up I was often homeless, dirty, and hungry. I am in college now, too. It is a constant struggle. I am prepared to take out loans. I won’t stop. It is my way out.
Being poor will make you miserable and money can buy happiness inasmuch as basic needs are concerned, which is what you are referring to. No a BMW will not make a person necessarily feel contented, but a well running mode of transportation will.
If our basic needs are not met, life is a constant struggle. We need more than constant uphill. An education won’t solve all problems, no, but it will solve a lot. Making a decent living allows us to survive and gives room for experiencing relaxation and different facets of life.
As for your first suicide attempt at age five, my guess is you were incredibly bright and understood too fully the deep despair of your situation.
I don’t even really know how to solve my own problems but please don’t stop for going after what you want in life.
I was a baby in diapers when I realized that I did not want to be part of this world. That I was extremely averse to this world and preferred death. So no one can say there are no suicidal babies. There are plenty of em. They just can’t express their desire. I know about hopeless poverty. I am disfigured “past human” and there are no jobs for somebody like me. People do not even look at me except to torment me. I work “in the gutter”, I clean the toilets, I care for the dogs. I make 2 to 10 dollars a day. My parents have to provide food and shelter since I never could do so myself. They resent me for it. I am a person who is worked to the bone, who is exhausted and friendless and lonely and hated, who exists only as a slave not as a human being. I can never have any of the enjoyable stuff of life. My family will not help me die. They know I have no quality of life and am forced to serve them day in, day out, but they don’t lose any sleep over it. Why? They don’t feel that I deserve anything. My family thinks that I am nothing and exists just to keep their toilets clean. I no longer eat at their dinner table. I eat alone in another room.
What country are you from? America? Somewhere in Europe?
I’m just wondering because if you are disfigured ‘past human’ as you say, I wouldn’t be surprised if you’re family treated you like a doormat in a developed country, par for the course, but in other countrys where profit doesn’t trump morals, that shit doesn’t fly. Or at least, not to such in an extentl depending on the location and situation.
I didn’t even want to be born when I was in my mother’s womb. They had to cut her belly because I refused to come out.
And I have been fascinated with death since I was a toddler…
America. I’m from America. But I think it is universal that disfigured people are usually despised including by their own families. Some families treat their disfigured person well. But many treat them like sick dogs. My family does not see me as being a human. Just a pet.