i’m a fucking mess, but you can’t see that

I’m absolutely fucked. No one knows but its true. If your read this through than you’ll know but those that know me they won’t know, i’ll make sure of it. I’m 18 years old, just finished high school and going to be starting college next year. This absolutely should be the best time of my life right, or at least that’s what all those movies made me believe. I’m the one in the family that you probably get compared to. The one who is polite and behaves and has never had a boyfriend even though shes smart and easy to talk to. The reality is that i’m polite because i don’t want to let anyone down by distorting an image they have of me. I don’t have a boyfriend because everyone i have ever had feelings for where either completely oblivious of my existence or could only see me as a friend, which is fucking hysterical seeing as the reason i’m thought as smart is that i concentrate on school work when the real reason is that concentrating on school work helps keep my mind off the fact that i have no friends. i want one so badly, a friend. i want someone to love me not just see me as a good person when i’m really not. But to actually love me with all my flaws. My sibling all think that i’m the favorite because my mom brags about me to everyone. The truth is she brags about me because i’m the only one she Thinks she hasn’t screwed up yet, man ain’t she gonna be hella disappointed. My eldest got out as soon as she could. The second eldest my brother left only to come back, to my horror. My brother who tried to rape me is still living under the same roof as me, and this wasn’t a long time ago, this was during my last quarter in high school. my mom knows and she did absolutely nothing. she talks to him like nothing while i cried upstairs in my room cutting myself with my blankets in between my teeth. My older sister ran away from home when she was 16 and I 14. she until that point was the only one I confided in, she knew about the way my brother touched me. she would try to protect me, she stood up for me, before she left she was my hero. she ran away and told CPS that my dad would beat on her when he actually spanked her for skipping school for two months and inviting like five guys to the house .She completely left me alone with my two younger brothers and my older brother who i detest. She left me with all the housework and responsibility that we both use to share. while she had fun with her friends and didn’t contact me until half a year later while i cried for her. My two younger brothers are the favorites. my mom has made it clear that her favorite is the youngest who’s 7 and my dad only has eyes for his 14 year old boy. while i’m just here standing in the back smiling and acting like i’m ok. I act like it doesn’t bother me that my own mother doesn’t know i’m lactose intolerant or that i don’t go out, not because i’m a bore, but because i see myself as a hideous person that has no right to put on pretty cloth and go dancing when no one in their right mind would want to dance with me, and that my fathers inability to communicate with me doesn’t affect me at all. To everyone in my immediate family i’m angry and temperamental. i’m a loner. They don’t know that i resent them and try to stay away from people after years of getting hurt by them, and the times that i try to make friends i’m more like a fart that lingers than a friend. Everyone outside my home thinks i’m smart and strong, they don’t know i have to work three times as hard to keep up in my class and that underneath my jeans that I hate exchanging for skirts are the scars of the countless of times I’ve stayed up cutting myself just so that the next day when i go to work, or school, or a party i can were a smile that my parents can brag about.