I came across this site a year back. How did I find it? I typed the word “suicide””. And this came out. During that time that was in my mind. It was an acknowledgement. A Consideration. Possibly an option. Or a plan in development. That one word speaks for itself.
Today I had a breakdown. I suppose it happens every now and then. Some call it the ups and downs in life. I call it the fucked up times in life. And i was listening to some sad music but the ones I came across were mostly depression and self harm and suicide. I decided to listen to it and that’s when it hit me. There’s a pattern. Nothing new but at the same time seemingly unbroken, however sadly, the people involve in this unbroken cycle are the ones breaking. And that’s when it truly truly dawn upon me. Only one thing came into my mind.
Again I type in the words “suicide” and I came across this website once more. However, my intentions are different. The same word led me to the same website but this time I realised I wasn’t the first nor would I be the last. Before I just saw multiples posts and writings written by thousands of people but this time I saw different fragments that held its own story nonetheless although each post is uniquely individualistic it was all similar in one way or another. Every fragment was part of this seemingly unbroken cycle. There were more involve than i imagine and it’s truly heartbreaking to see that.
But this time, my intentions were not to be part of it but to break and free every fragment from being part of it.
You if you’re reading this. Whatever you are going through. It’s not permanent. It’s not unbroken. You can break away from it. Free yourself from the pain. I used to be a part of it. Depression was constantly suffocating me night and day. I remember being surrounded in darkness, in constant fear and never ending sadness. I was crying both internally and externally. My mind was constantly taunting me and giving me ways to destroy myself. It was as if I lost control over myself. I didn’t know who I was anymore. It was as if my my soul wasn’t meant for my body and the life I was living in was the exact if not the best and most closest replication of hell. And i wanted no part of it.
But than again that is what depression is. It blinds you. It makes you see what it wants you to see. A world full of hatred, unfairness, fear, anger, frustration, disappointment and darkness. It was great at its game of manipulation. Funny isnt it? Emotions seemingly harmless could surprisingly control you and deceive you.
It is true. Life may not be what we all pictured it to be but life definitely isn’t what darkness has painted for you to see. Thing is we humans spent an entirety of our lives dedicated to what our life doesn’t appear to be or what our life fail to be. Somewhere along the lines we forgot that change is an option and we have that ability to change our life and get what we want. We always have that option. It’s just a matter of whether we want to use it or not.
I forgot I had that option until one night where I decided to harm myself for the first time. I vividly remember holding a scissor in my hand. I didn’t hesitate. I only had one thing in my mind and that I was to hurt myself. Looking back it was painful. It wasn’t the pain from the cut but the thought of even wanting to hurt myself was far more painful than anything else. And I did. I cut and I cried. I was disappointed with myself. I didnt know who I was anymore. The girl I knew would never went far as wanting to hurt herself. It was then I realised I had to break away from this, put an end to this and I had the option to change my life. Fortunately, the day I cut myself was my first and last.
I know we all have our own stories. We all have our own broken pieces. We all dont have perfect lifes. But that doesn’t mean we have to continuously blame and hurt ourselves because of this. The beginning of our story may have been written for us and it is true we didnt have the option to write the start of our story. But our future hasn’t been written yet and we now have the control to write it.
As cliche as it may sound. This is the truth. Your story is just beginning. I would like to hear those stories. Keep fighting please I beg of you please don’t give up. There are people who care about you. There are stories of people who manage to break away from depression and self harm. I am one of them and now I want you to be next. I want you to not be part of this cycle anymore. I’ve seen it take away multiple lives every year and it needs to stop. It may seemingly appear to be an unbroken cycle. But nothing stays permanent and this won’t last. You can stop this suffering. You can stop hurting yourself. Â Remember you are not alone. Stay Strong and take Control of your life and Change it.
If you need someone to talk to leave me message. I’ll try my best to help.
It’s never too late. Let’s fight this together.