No more cutting and bye bye Brandon.

Last night we had a fight. I haven’t spoken to you since you told me you liked me and since I told you about my cutting and eating disorder. And then we stopped talking. Why? It can’t be answered with any fairness because you decided to stop texting anyone to see who would answer. Did i text? No. Why? Because how am i supposed to talk to you after I’ve just opened up to you and after you just confessed your feelings for me. Awkward? Hell yes. It was so awkward to talk to you because YOU made it awkward but now when we fought and when i asked you about it, you told me you felt no awkwardness between us. Bullshit. Lets recall how the fight started shall we? I texted you on a Friday. This wasn’t the first time I’ve texted you since we stopped talking. All the times i texted you, they were short and sweet conversations. but i texted on that Friday to make sure we cleared things up. and we did. I texted “Hi” and you replied “I’ve stopped trying”. Brandon, you didn’t even try so there wasn’t anything you stopped. I poured my heart out to you telling you how i hated how our friendship ended and you replied saying everyone has a chance to try and no one did try. But how could i try if you just completely stopped texting or communicating with me. i couldn’t talk to you at school because you’re always with your stupid friends. I once again poured my heart to you saying that we should at least try to talk to each other and become friends again and you said that i cant just snap my figures and choose to restart. I said i’m trying to take a chance to restart and making the step to do it and that it wasn’t a matter a choice and that i wanted to. You said it was parshly choice. and i said the matter of choice comes to whether or not you want to be my friend. So do you want to be my friend i asked. I said it wouldn’t hurt me if you said no. and you replied saying you didn’t want to deal with this. so no you didn’t want to be my friend. and it hurt me so much. it killed me. it raised all of my hatred levels of myself even higher so i did the one thing i do best. i cut. and it made me feel nothing. it made me realize that hurting myself would do nothing for me. I felt nothing. It did nothing but make me realize i don’t have to cut anymore. You’re the reason i’m going to stop cutting but not so i can be “less depressed” and not so i can be less “messed up” to be your friend. I’m going to stop because i don’t need to anymore and because  fuck you. I want to get better because i want to prove to everyone, especially you, that i’m the better person. But i do hope you see my last cuts and know that they are because of you. and i sure as hell hope you feel like shit when you see them, jackass.