Despite the fact I’m going to be dead within the next few weeks, I still fear what people think of me. If that’s not a sign that my social anxiety would never abate then I don’t know what is. I can’t describe how difficult it is to be around my family now, but it is mental and emotional torture. I’ve got to pick up my brother tomorrow who’s staying for a few days and I’m sure he’s gonna get sick of me and we’ll fall out. I am so scared because I am aware of which situations I become hated and weddings and big social events are one of them. Already my family are making jokes about me not thinking much, and it’ll be a short time before I fuck something up at the wedding or they lose their patience with me for sitting there in silence as the family idiot. As a kid I seemed normal, but now I realise I am a complete moron and with that knowledge went my personality because I don’t trust myself to say anything constructive and lack the energy to try. I hate the world for making me literally worthless. You’re given one consciousness and I had to be trapped with this one! I’ll go through Hell to get through this wedding out of love for my family, but i’m starting to doubt whether they’ll even throw me a funeral in a few weeks time after they learn who I really am.