Really dysfunctional don’t think I should be a part of society.

So I’m 24.

I am on the edge of understanding, people say like a baby bird getting ready to leap from the nest for the first time. but it feels like the closer i get to the edge i will either fall down and my wings will give out with nothing to break my fall… Or life will head off in an infinite spiral of discovery with joy beyond my wildest dreams.  -.-

I am super attached to my ego and pain, I am self destructive and use that to put off rebirth.

First some background…

I am of illegitimate birth, when I was born my father never touched or gave me any attention to me except when changing my diaper, even then he would only curse at me for soiling myself (or so my mom claims), he was in love with my older brother and I suspect there was some molestation there. Gratefully my Mum made the decision to turn tail and get out of there because he was having some sweet trips on L.S.D.  Both my parents were raped by there fathers.

Mum, brother and I moved into subsidized housing, it was not the most fruitful environment to grow up in. People breaking in to the house, Moms car always getting vandalized. I was beat up and raped by the neighborhood kids, my brother engaged in sexual activity with them, but i always seemed to be on the receiving end, giving oral and receiving anal at age 4. My brother came out to me last year that he would come into my bed and sodomize me. Luckily i did have a positive male influence, a neighbor across the street same age as my mother, befriended us but never had a intimate relationship with my mom, he seemed to only be interested in children…

My mom said i would yell at things that were not there. I would see ghosts or demons/angels periodically, but i reason now that was just my imagination trying to disassociate with my surroundings… My uncle is a paranoid schizophrenic. My mom would beat me for not eating or from staying outside until after the street lights went on etc.., I spent(d) the majority of my time in my bedroom, my mom couldn’t really communicate with me either, especially after i told her what was going on, the punishment seemed to get worse, but not nearly as bad as my brothers. I did ask to sodomize my friend when we were 5, but he verbally made it clear he doesn’t like that.

New neighbors moved in next door they were Christian, and invited us to church, they also set up a community center in the neighborhood and completely revitalized the town-house development… that was after my mom got married and we moved, i did not like my new step Dad, and made that clear to my mom.

At age 9, we moved into the suburbs! I was sodomized again in grade 3 by a younger classmate, Gained an addiction to porn, started smoking cannabis and drinking at age 12, my brother then age 15 started his downward spiral with multiple drugs and was constantly being kicked out of the house, i would touch myself while watching the neighbors swim, or while my step sister slept… all communication with my parents broke down, but they still brought us to church every weekend.

In grade 9 we had a drug dealer who was the father of one of my schoolmates his dad was a tall, slim but big boned man with a serious staph infection all over his body, and would often compliment me on my appearance, I had developed a seductive spirit in order to get attention from both sexes.

One day I went there on the weekend without my friends, he dealt out of the basement, and i had just came out of the bathroom and his son was standing there with a bottle and a syringe, he punctured the bottle with the syringe, and then injected the contents into my wrist, he went upstairs, i walked back over to the dad and he laid me on my stomach on the table and started penetrating me i blacked out… he then drove me home when i had come to, -.- told me to say nothing, went inside had a long shower while crouched and crying on the bathtub floor, the next day i forgot all about it… my mother and step father separated when i was 16 and don’t talk to them.

I had starting cutting myself furiously for the next two years, after seeing my girlfriend deal with her pain in the same way, we dated for two months had sex twice, and then i didn’t date until I got engaged at 21, when i was 19 i developed stage three cancer and missed out on two years of education and social development. that whole relationship with my fiancee was one sided and i never made any initial initiative to start the relationship, i never asked her out, was not attracted to her in the least, real power struggle but i loved her with completely, with all my heart… I ended it 18 months later.

Now i am living on my own and don’t speak to any of my family besides my brother who is gone for two months, whom I can’t stand and the man that befriended us when i was very young, he tells me about his fantasies about getting raped, i kicked the drugs and alcohol at age 16 but started up again last year but stopped a month ago, and very rarely watch porn which makes me sick when i do, instead i have nightmarish wet dreams, of being raped or seduced etc… only when my sheets are clean or i have had more then 6 hours sleep, which only last for a day, it’s like i am stuck living in my own filth. I do tend to land great jobs but always leave when relationships with co-workers get to intimate, I just finished my Job at a retail store as a receiver…

I have it all planned out i would leave this job and then tell my next job I have come down with MRSA and am unable to work

While working there i would be invited to social gathering with the co-workers my age, real fun times, for them, i just felt out of place and any physical contact would make me break down. the next day i would watch porn because i would feel violated and that was the only way i can feel control over my feeling, when ever i do watch it, I would get a giant cyst on my neck, that last exactly 7 days i guess a self defense mechanism to make me self-conscious and withdraw.

Which is where I met one of those loves that are one in a billion, I was attracted to her scent at first and was determined to make the first move, but she came on to me really strongly and handed me a box cutter while staring at the self inflicted scars on my arm, then i was attracted to her empathy and intuition, her first day working there, this was three weeks ago, now every standard of beauty is held up to her, I think we both fell head over heals, but it all seems to good to be true, really i think she is only attracted to me because she can see the pain emanating from me and it resonates with her own pain, like she subconsciously saying hurt me.

So a week after this i end up hitting her in the nose with a large piece of fence-board… i swear it was on accident but, i had a dream about it a couple nights before… any ways so i turn to put the fence-board on the racking and feel it nudge against something behind me, i turn around and she falls on her backside holding her face, I run over, crouch in-front of her and apologies, try and make her laugh it works, then I say “I would kiss it better, but that might be weird”… she says sheepishly “That would actually help” as a tear rolls down her cheek, (whoa is me i am ruined)… I do sense a strong ambivalent attachment between the two of us, which is why i didn’t take things further because I knew I would be leaving in two weeks.

So i went and infected my self with a MRSA Staphylococcus and my face started to break out in boils, so that people won’t be drawn to me. but now when i look in the mirror all i can see is the drug dealer who raped me except i am O.C.D. about hygiene so it is not that bad, but my lack of lymph-nodes could make it fatal if i don’t wash and don’t take medication but then the result is a flesh eating disease which would not be the best way to bite it.

I hate that people are drawn to the light in me, it’s like light pours out of me and black sludge flows into me i just want that grey middle ground. When i do forget about all my worries, I get nauseous, colors and sounds become more vibrant, just pure sensory overload, doesn’t even seem real, it is just to much life that i don’t want.

At the same time I am incredibly fearful of my capacity to hurt someone and my capacity to love someone, most of all i am scared of feeling good about my life and will do anything to put off progress. When a male or female shows me attention i feel violated, and say to myself “do they not know how fucked i am” I am leaving for camp on Monday for two months as head cook went last year and it was great!

When i return I will not have a place to live or work, by the time i get back this girl from work would have gone back to college, I have it all planned out, I will tell camp I can’t make it I am too sick or wait till i get back, put all my stuff in storage, cancel my phone, already closed all my accounts but one, then just walk out far into bush where i won’t be found with some blades and slash away! If you do any thing right nobody will know you did any thing at all, “I plan on heading out west and working on the oil fields when i get back” people will think i just left town. and it actually looks like i have all my shit together so nobody will question it.

the thing i worry about the most is become a pedophile and when ever i mention that i am leaving to go to camp people bring up the whole preventative personality screening shit. fuck i want to die

I just don’t see the point if i am only going to turn into a monster/scumbag, who doesn’t want any semblance of a constructed life. I feel like my clumsiness and the cancer is just the natural world telling me to fuck off and die, so i might as a well do it quick, before i cause any real damage. I actually get really excited at the thought of going ghost.