I am only 25 but I feel like suicide has become the only option for me. I want to share my story with you and I hope you’ll give me an honest response on whether it suicide seems acceptable in my case.
My life has always been fucked up. My mum was schizophrenic and an alcoholic. From the post natal depression she was deemed unfit to care for us and I went through several foster families who abused and physically attacked me. She died from liver poisoning when I was 5. My dad took my brother and I in for two years but we lived in a constant state of fear and neglect.Â One day he nearly killed me from punching me repeatedly in the head from coming home half an hour late. We went to the hospital and he reluctantly told me there was no brain damage, and suspected abuse but I was too afraid to say. I struggled at school. From a very early age everybody bombed me out and made me feel like a freak. The girls ran away when someone suggested my interest in them and even the teachers verbally attacked me.
My mum’s sister (a wealthy teacher) adopted me after two years of living with dad. She loved me to pieces and I saw her as a mother. She pushed education and had high expectations.Â I worked so hard to be normal… I made some friends, girlfriends, and worked my way up to university. But at some point a long time ago, I fell so far behind.Â My physical and mental development stopped when I was about 15. I hit puberty late and only had one growth spurt, so at 25 I still look like a child. From this you’ve probably deduced that I’m tiny and you’d also be correct, and it completely tore me apart when I found this out. I lost my virginity at 16. Nobody could understand how I had pulled such a beautiful girl but we were extremely happy together at first. She thought I was the kindest and most loving person she ever met. At this point, when I walked down the street girls wouldÂ whisper or shout about how ugly I was and I even remember one guy saying “he’s the ugliest guy I’ve ever seen”. And I had thought that I had friends in school but it turned out that everybody hated me.Â I tried working from 16 and every job I’ve been in I failed miserably. As a waiter, I poured boiling gravy over someone. As a dining room worker, I flooded the place with a mop and forgot tasks.Â I started to die inside from all of these criticisms and doubts. I stopped looking after myself and our relationship waned. She was the girl I would’ve married if I wasn’t ugly, retarded, and mentally distraught. I hated the world for making me this way and I couldn’t do anything about it. I was never the same after her and I experienced heartwrencing unrequited love more times than anyone should have to go through.Â I went on to a few more jobs: As a bartender, I gave drinks away for free because they wouldn’t take the time to teach me on the till. As a pizza delivery guy, I got lost and forgot items often, and once delivered to the wrong house. As a call centre employee, I was anxious of talking on the phone and everyone I worked with avoided me and called me an idiot/worthless.
Despite being a good person and trying my hardest, I’ve always been a failure and I was doomed from the start. I gave up on trying after 8 months at the call centre. I went on benefits, presented myself as homeless to the housing executive (I was), and became a recluse. I have lost all faith in humanity, everybody in my town calls me an idiot or a spastic and directs hate at me wherever I go.Â I’ve been so isolated and depressed that I’ve lost the ability to communicate verbally. And I think even my family don’t love me anymore. I see no option other than suicide. I’ve discovered that I am mentally handicapped in some way, I have no friends left, live in abject poverty, my family barely pretend to care, and I’ve nothing to hope or live for. The mental health services are a waste of time, they can alleviate depression/anxiety but nobody can fix stupid. I have half a gram of heroin I plan to mix with an excessive amount of alcohol and GHB. It’s either that or by a burden on my family and society for the rest of my life. I’m not afraid of death because I know God doesn’t exist. Only a tyrant would allow the holocaust and wars to occur, and only a twisted God would allow someone as loving and caring as me to suffer such a fate.