i realize a lot of you on this site are young so my experiences will not compute. but if you are female and live to see your 40s this is what you can look forward to. i have suffered from severe clinical depression most of my life-all of my adult life. so the next kick in the ass i am experiencing is the run up to menopause. which in itself can cause depression. hormones running amok , thyroid problems, weight gain the laughs just keep coming. which is why my thoughts are running to the dark side these days . that little voice that tells me to stab myself with a butcher knife at work, play chicken with a semi in traffic. and the other various ways i can kill myself without the pregame drama. that voice is usually well contained, but recently it has been getting louder . its like an extra set of eyes scouting for methods and opportunities. as that voice gets louder my public voice shuts down. if you were to meet me you would never guess -i am a fairly well accomplished bull shitter. i can hide myself pretty well. and that is what i have been doing for years. all is not well in my mind. the fatigue from fighting this is getting more profound which leaves me with the question -why do i bother?
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What you are saying computes with me. I am in the same boat. My mood swings are out of control and my body feels like it’s betraying me on many different levels. I am a poser, I am active, I appear well balanced, and I take on every thing thrown my way like I have to in order to retain some perceived value. I am single with no kids, family, and new to my town. Just trying to find my niche where I can survive with relative peace. I have no expectations of anything greater than serving my sentence which most call life. I wish you some moments of serenity and quieter kinder thoughts.
Yes, I too can relate. I was about 47 when I was thrown into what is called surgical menopause. It relieved some physical pain but it seemed to intensity the emotional. The hot flashes are bad enough, but it’s the constant sweating that is the worst. I have suffered from severe depression since I was a kid (traumatic childhood, etc.) Suicidal thoughts have plagued me as far back as I can remember. I have managed to keep going all these years, but now I am at a new low. I stopped working about three years ago (for many reasons), and I have been a recluse ever since. I have lived by myself most of my life but never felt this hopeless or alone. I just want it all to be over. I’ve won many battles of the years, but I am about the lose the war.
I made it to 52, and gotta admit it does suck. The weight gain, the loss of one’s looks, the growing fatigue, and in my case, total loss of sex drive (this may be partly down to psych meds). I’m unwilling to stick around for my body to throw a few more little surprises my way (Type 2 diabetes anyone?) but guilt toward my family keeps me hanging on.
i have always said there were 3 people who were keeping me topside. more and more those folks are fading in importance . my doing of course. as i retreat into myself they don’t seem as important. nothing imminent, but thinking about what needs to be done . my “friends” are concerned but i haven’t seen them in months. besides i won’t open up to them anyways. too much water under the bridge. what a fucking mess.
no shit.
harder still when your family is a bunch of narcissistic douchebags out to kill one another and use you as the scapegoat.
toss in divorce – no insurance – unemployable despite college degree and losing home – taking care of drunk elderly parents for shits and giggles.
theres no hope in my future
I get what you are saying.
I wish I had support to help me through these yrs. but is gone
The “joys” indeed. Oh hell. I am a deformed woman just starting out my thirties. What fun it is. I work (maid stuff), 7:30 to midnight when work’s available, almost falling asleep on the streets as I shuffle from place to place. I work, and I get surgeries. And that. is. it. Nobody ever tells you this, and it may just be my condition but I don’t think so, that your body starts to fall apart mid twenties. Mid twenties, for goddsake, and you’re starting to get wrinkled and white hairs. And you get sick and tired of life. Everything is “been there, done that.” Everything is a chore that you are too tired to do. Now there are lucky women out there that live well and are healthy and have somebody else to take care of them….but for those of us who are on our own, goddamn it is hard shit.