I explained in my last post how many of my problems are congenital: that i’m extremely stupid, unattractive, physically undeveloped, and have no personality. The pain from this reality is escalating and i’m becoming increasingly angry at the world for it’s lack of empathy. For example, I’ve been to the cinema twice in the past two weeks and on both occasions people sitting opposite have laughed at me and called me a spastic/retard because of the way I stare at the screen and snicker repeatedly at funny moments because I’m too afraid to talk. I’m sick of sales assistants and security guards who glare at me or point me out to their co-workers on their CCTV screens or point blank to my face. I’ve been attacked psychologically all my life for just being me. I’m afraid for the next person who does something like this to me again because I know I’ll kill them if they hit a soft spot. I’m not afraid of the consequences and it’s society that is driving me towards suicide.
It’s crystal clear that I am going to commit suicide within the next couple of months.
On a brighter note (haha), I’m also planning to live the best day(s)/week of my life just before I kill myself. I’m going to sell the car and do any clinical trials (what’s the WORST that could happen?) and I am going to stay in the most luxurious hotel I can afford and rent a Porsche 977  turbo to drive on the autobahn for a day. I’ll eat the best restaurants and I’ve never tried cocaine before, so I’ll probably get some ^^ Then I might watch a sunrise. I’ll schedule a message to all of the friends I’ve had and lost over the years, I’ll post a note to my family, and then I’ll do what I have to do. Can you think of anything else that would make the perfect day?
5 comments
Well you could streak at a major sports event. That would be pretty cool, plus then the security guards would be justified at staring at you 😀
Ha, there’s an idea! I like your sense of humour 🙂
Cheers! I like your plan of living the high life. Plus you taught me a new word: “congenital”. Thanks 🙂
No matter who we are, where we live, what we look like, the circumstances of our birth or the situations we face; each of us has gifts within us. Strength, beauty, courage, compassion, hope, joy, talent, imagination, reverence, wisdom, love and faith are among them. They are not like material presents we unwrap and hold in our hands. We can’t see these gifts with our eyes. But they are real and powerful. When we open ourselves to them, they can enrich every aspect of our lives. They can help us transform challenges into opportunities and tragedies into triumphs. They can help us make a difference in the world; even if in you are overwhelmed by the endless judgment and ridicule.
It´s not for the other people to decide what is your worth; do not let them be the dictators in your life, you are not in a prison – you can choose whatever direction and path you may have available. It will be hard to endure the mental suffering you have to go through, but if you choose to live you might get a new way of living – not without effort though; a good environment to live, caring people around you and a heart with a nugget of joy even in the darkest of times.
Had similar plans also, but unfortunately can´t put them into effect. Wish you all the fun in the world for your last days, and see you perhaps on the other side.
You also seem quite adamant about this so I have a sense of not trying persuade you anymore to not act upon it. Wishing you all the best, and hopefully it´ll all go as painless as falling into a wondrous dream.
haha, I can relate, used to have some serious problems with understanding similar things too – am a total moron if honest.
Same here, cant´t wait for my passing either, but God I fear the pain before it…coward as I am also. 🙂