Why the fuck was I even born?

Today was the first day in several months I woke up NOT feeling severely suicidal. I’ve been trying really hard to break through these feelings of worthlessness and find a way to make a life for myself no matter what the cost. But it’s clear to me now that everyone absolutely fucking despises me and I deserve to be in a box underground. The first thing that happens is I log into facebook and my brother’s wife (one of the only people in my life) logs off IMMEDIATELY when she sees i’m online. Second, I ask a customer service person where to find royal mail boxes and she’s like “you’d have to get them from the post office in this shop” *hum hum hum, well done you (me) fucking retard!* When I get home my landlord leaves the gates open because he doesn’t want to talk to me (they live next door and have been avoiding me for months). I go to recycling center to get rid of a spare tyre and the guy shouts at me and tells me they don’t take them. He looks at the tyre and says its nice and I say “well you know i’ve been trying to sell it for a year, you’re welcome to it” and he says “you know I will” and I’m kind enough to tell him the model so he can list it. He goes back to his cronnies and they all laugh at me. I get back home and go to deliver a package at the post office and I say I’ll pass it through to him without realising where to pass it through. I drive through the town, more people ignoring me but at a junction I face someone head on and I already know he hates me. I get anxious and don’t stall but look like a dodgy driver and he shakes his head incessantly and mutters that I’m a fucking idiot and continues to do so as he walks down the street. I take a right and I hear someone shouting “…retard…” Everyone absolutely fucking hates me and I can never change. It’s not my only problem… not only have a mind that’s worse than a child’s but I also have the body of a child (I look about 14 at 25), have virtually no dick (skinny 5″), i’m balding, and I look ugly as sin. I’ve clung to life ever since I was born despite I shouldn’t have been. My mum was a schizophrenic alcoholic, I was attacked and physically abused for 5 years until she died, then I got passed around between foster parents then eventually to my mum’s sister who did love me back then but then I became a difficult child and never grew out of it. I’m asshole a parasite and have damaged innocent lives. The girls I fell in love with never loved me back and so I manipulated them and responded with hate. I’ve tried working but I’m too stupid and every mistake I made was some other poor bastard’s problem to deal with. People I’ve worked with have told me I’m useless, worth absolutely nothing, an idiot, a moron, a loser. I can’t communicate and I’ve tried making friends but they’ve all thought I was a joke or been my friend just for the comedy value of laughing at a moron. But I don’t even do that well because I’m so sensitive to it all, I hate myself and I don’t want to face the truth. If I hated myself as much as others did I would kill myself in the most gruesome way but because I’d have to live with the pain and I’m a coward I don’t. I know I’m dead now but I can’t stop holding onto life. There are too many comforts in this world that I don’t deserve but I’m too selfish to give up… good food, hot girls, nice cars, hot girls, the internet, porn etc. I am despised beyond belief and I wonder why the fuck did this have to happen to me? Why the fuck was I even born? And I’m scared shitless of what I must do to die but I guess I’ve got to pay the price eventually. If I don’t, someone will make me. I’ve just got to inject myself and jump and hope I don’t feel a thing. If you’re reading this please don’t hold back in anything you think, just say it because I’m tired of being left in the dark about who I am.