That’s how long she’ll be in England for her internship. Just why. Every freaking time we went jogging it was more fun; and today was so great too, we ran together the whole time and laughed and had fun. And afterwards when I said goodbye and wished her luck for her trip I asked whether she was going to go jogging with us again when she’s back from England. She said “yes, probably” and that it’s 12 weeks until she’ll be back, as if she was expecting me to ask for her number or email or anything so we could talk or chat when she’s away. But I just didn’t. Whenever I imagined that moment in my head I knew exactly what to say, and it even sounded decent to me. But when I actually had to say the words, my brain kind of erased everything associated to numbers, emails, skype or whatever else I should have said in that moment. So I just smiled, looked at her, said goodbye and went away.
You know, sometimes I wonder whether God is playing jokes with me or whether it is just me who can’t open his mouth and speak out simple words.
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It is odd how we shoot ourselves in the foot. If you say nothing you have nothing so you have nothing to lose by asking. You killed you chance for a “yes” and guaranteed yourself the “no”.
I’ve frequently found myself in the same situation – noting to lose yet too scared to just come out with it. I guess we are more terrified of the “no” coming from the other person than we are of not knowing at all. And yes, it blows big time.
It seem the key is being able to muster enough strength and self-worth to ask for what we want. If we believe we are an unworthy piece of shit, then not asking leaves us at least with a 0.00000001% chance she might have said “yes”. That’s far better than a definite “no” right? I don’t know, it seems so simple but when it comes time to belly up to the bar I drop the ball too.
I did pretty much the same thing the last time i remember thinking it might have mattered.
Still hurts three and a half years later.
Although i did track her down and send her a message explaining how i appreciated her in various ways, and basically left it at the confession of “i wish i had said what i thought i wanted to say in that moment.” Eight months passed before i received a response. She claimed she had only just received the message. She thanked me for my honesty and expressed something along the lines of wishing there was more of that type of thing in this world… and that was pretty much that.
In my moment, i was too awestruck to speak. It wasn’t that i thought i was worthless, but that i knew i wasn’t eligible. It wouldn’t have worked out, even if she did like me enough to give me the chance i couldn’t ask for. I wasn’t worthless, but i still knew i wasn’t good enough. The only uncertainty is whether she might have grown fond of me anyway, even though i wasn’t good enough. In that moment, i “let her go,” because i was completely certain she could find someone better… even if i never would.
The decision sort of… made itself. Not long after that, i realized it was going to be impossible for me to be with anyone.
We all make those mistakes. That doesn’t mean that maybe when she returns you won’t be able to re-establish the relationship, but yup, 3 months is a long time when you are busy with life (as in an internship).
Hope that a good thing comes out of this for you, even if it’s not the outcome you would have wanted. If anything use it as a reminder later on if you see yourself in a similar (or same situation).
And yeah, been there done that. I don’t regret it that much in mostly all cases but there’s only that one moment with that particular someone… the one that kills you for years (and maybe you’ll never forget it). Don’t let that one pass you by when it comes.