Already wishing I had died

Kinda think that anyone who isolates, stigmatizes or persecutes you because of mental health problems isn’t worth knowing or caring about. Fuck ’em. Doesn’t mean everyone in the world’s like that. There are people who will understand (there are whole forums dedicated to them.)

It sounds like you’re isolated in kind of a rough area – if people victimized someone like that where I live words would be had. Is there any chance you can move to a less shitty neighbourhood, while still being close enough to your family to visit? Or can you get more support from them, so you feel more secure? Do they know what you’re going through? You need someone to watch your back, and in some communities there are good people who will step in if they know what’s going on.

However stupid, slow, or foggy you feel, you’re clearly not inferior or useless. You just need help to be able to function in a world that feels hostile. Web design is a fairly high end skill. I’m sure most people would struggle far more with it than you do. I get that it’s frustrating not being able to think straight or focus, or remember things that you once understood. It’s a huge struggle, especially if you have no support.

All you can do is try to slowly build yourself back up. Obviously basics come first. If you don’t feel you can face going to the store to get food despite feeling very hungry, could you use a home delivery service? If you don’t feel you could face that, could you bear to ask your family for help getting groceries (rather than starving or killing yourself)?

Next is being able to tolerate being around people when you’re constantly worried that they think you’re worthless/stupid/weird. This is really really hard. So take it slow. Maybe you try just standing outside your house for a bit, where people can see you. And you allow yourself for this short time to worry that they think you’re a freak, that you’re stupid. And you try to be ok with that. Just for that short moment. Even if the worst happens, and someone actually insults you to your face, and it cuts you to your core. Suppose they do call you a retard, or laugh in your face, and it hurts. You try to be ok with that(although if someone does actually assault you obviously walk away, and call the police if it escalates.) But just for a moment, try to be ok with the possibility that the worst could really happen. Suppose someone does assault you. It would be shitty thing to do. But would you really feel that much worse than you’re feeling right now? Try facing that fear, just for a short time. It’ll probably feel incredibly draining at first. Then go back to your normal routine.

Maybe next you want to take a short walk, away from your neighbourhood if you can. And as you pass other people, be aware of your worry that they might be thinking ‘wow, what a complete freak/loser’, and try to accept that possibility. Just for a few short moments, accept that every other person on the planet might think you were a completely useless, worthless waste of space. And it still wouldn’t be true.

Next up is shopping. Try to start easy. Maybe you want to get home deliveries (and accept that the delivery driver may think you’re a complete weirdo.) Maybe you want to go to a store outside your neighbourhood (to avoid bumping into people you know.) Perhaps you want to just walk around the store for a few minutes, without buying anything, accepting the thought that everyone in there thinks you’re a total loser. Maybe you want to use the self-service checkout.

Employment is tough. If you can find a way to make money from home then that’s great, but see it as a project to be worked upon rather than something you should just be able to instantly do. If you find yourself having to take jobs in the mean time to make ends meet then I would recommend easing yourself into it. Volunteer work is a good way of building some confidence in your ability if you’re worried about being judged – people are generally grateful for any help you can give, rather than critical. When it comes to an actual job, I would advise limiting the number of hours you do to the bare minimum, at least at first. Try to be ok with the idea that people may judge you, may think you’re a complete idiot. That you might screw up, perhaps so badly that you even get fired, that you may never be able to find another job, may even end up homeless. Would it really be that much worse than where you are now? You can always choose to OD if the worst of the worst does happen, and you decide it’s no longer worth going on.

Facing up to those kind of catastrophic thoughts may be draining, but it can be done, with practice. When you’ve got the basics going, it might be time to look for some more help. Maybe different medications might make things a bit easier, or finding a counsellor/therapist to help you face the things you’re dealing with. Perhaps you want to start pursuing hobbies or join a group, or study something new, so you can look for some people who aren’t shitty and judgemental. And then you can start to look for what you want from life.

What I’m essentially trying to say in this super long comment is that I think there’s hope for you. That crippling fear, that makes you not want to leave the house even though you’re starving, it can be fought. I’ve gone from there to a place where I can just about function, day to day. I still feel that fear in my gut every time I even think about leaving the house, when I catch the bus, all day at work, and whenever I approach the grocery store. It’s exhausting. It may never entirely leave. But it doesn’t have the same grip on my mind that it used to. Over time, that part of me has less and less control. It’s taken me 5 years and a lot of support (but then my case was pretty damn extreme.) One year barely leaving the house. Two doing volunteer work. Two working part-time (spending the rest of my time obsessed with worry about how much I’d screwed up.)

However, only you can know if what you want from life is worth learning to face this.