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by seppuku

Most days I am so horribly bored. Do I ever need a bloody job! Not that jobs in general are a lot of fun, but anything’s gotta be better than sitting on my a** all day. Or going into town, killing time, no one to see, escaping into the internet on my smartphone, just ‘out’ for the sake of being out and because I cannot stand being cooped up on my own anymore.

I should not be contemplating suicide out of boredom! This is not a good reason (and is actually not mine). Work is a necessary evil in this world, it’s just the way it is. It’s not good to have nothing to do. Maybe some nice person will ask me about hobbies and what I like to do. Well, we can’t count the internet, I like to eat, and drink coffee and tea, that’s really about it to be honest. Oh in the old days I would read books, how I loved books, I would love to cook vegan food, I’d go to yoga class or even the gym or for long walks in nature, I’d enjoy going to the cinema, even on my own, and I wrote a blog.

I’m so depressed now that I find little enjoyment in anything, so it doesn’t seem worthwhile.

And yes I’ve got voluntary work but it’s only 5 hours a week. That’s not gonna be enough. I need to find more. And I attend a class one day a week.

It’s pathetic at my age (52) to complain of being bored like some spoilt child.

So I’ve picked up the hobby of researching and discussing various methods of suicide.

I know no one will reply to this. I already have my own answers. There is no excuse for being bored really. I took some powder to feel better…now I don’t care so much about being cut adrift from society.


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That1guy94 7/11/2014 - 5:42 am

Hey hang in there and stay strong. Have you thought about getting a job or doing something you enjoy?

That1guy94 7/11/2014 - 5:58 am

And hey I know that doesn’t help but I am trying my best and even more after what I did last night

dragonfly_whisper 7/11/2014 - 7:24 am

What are you studying?

seppuku 7/11/2014 - 7:46 am

Haha, that1guy94, that begs the question what did you do last night lol. I’m glad you’re trying your best.

Dragonfly, I am studying Administration (Business Professional) Level 2…it’s very boring lol, but I don’t mind tinkering about in an office I guess.

Thanks for the replies guys. It’s nice not to be ignored as usual lol.

That1guy94 7/11/2014 - 8:11 am

Whys that funny

Stain 7/11/2014 - 7:46 am

Boredom is as good as any other reason for suicide, if it leads you to question your continued existence. I actually think it’s a pretty valid concern.

Jobs are funny, it’s not like they make you any more of a valid human being, but they distract you from questioning your validity so often. Because you’re too busy schlepping your way through the workday to consider questions of life and death.

Anyway, I am curious about your hobbies and interests in life because you mentioned 3 things that interest me very much: books, cinema and veganism.

Are you a vegan? I ask because I think there’s an interesting parallel between dietary discipline and suicidal thoughts. Both go contrary to the norm. In the case of food, society’s norm is to eat everything, including processed disgusting crap which would turn our stomach if we saw where it came from. But we, as a society, take it and don’t really question it.

Suicide can be viewed the same way: society’s norm is to live, take all the pain and crap that is hurled at you and live with it because thinking of an alternate to life (death) is just plain “wrong”.

But in both cases, it’s simply the individual being dissatisfied with the status quo, refusing to accept it.

Well that’s my spiel anyway. My point is, even though you may feel like boredom isn’t a real gripe, it’s as real as any other. And I hope there’s a way to solve it. Have you thought of writing a book or a movie? Creating one of the things that you enjoy seeing?

dragonfly_whisper 7/11/2014 - 7:55 am

FWIW, I’m not far from your age and have also been using school to calm my mind.

It’s funny how one can be thinking of death while still (somewhat, at least) pursuing a future (school, volunteerism).

seppuku 7/11/2014 - 8:23 am

Life doesn’t stop while you plan for your death does it dragonfly? We are hardwired to do something…my course and voluntary work causes me a fair bit of anxiety and dread, but I push through that and keep going because it’s the only thing that keeps me feeling in any way normal and as you say, calms the mind.

seppuku 7/11/2014 - 8:05 am

Thank you Stain! Yes I am vegan, have been a strict veggie for thirty years, vegan for much of that. The things most people eat are a source of wonder to me, lol. And I don’t want sentient beings killed for the enjoyment of my palate. I very much enjoy the food I eat, and don’t feel even slightly deptived, actually I still manage to be overweight and that’s not helped by the cocktail of psych meds I’m on..

I’m fairly braindead from the meds, my goal was always to write a book, now I don’t even have the heart to keep my blog up to date, don’t know anymore that I still have anything to contribute to the sum of human knowledge and understanding.

Yes Stain, normies tend to view suicide as inherently wrong, I no longer agree with that (never did really). Walk a mile in my shoes, try my life on for size and then say it’s wrong to end your misery and futility. Thank you for understanding that boredom is a real problem. I feel guilty about it (as about so many things) so it’s nice that someone takes it seriously.

Stain 7/11/2014 - 8:59 am

Well cheers from a fellow vegan, only about 5-6 years (and with occasional slip ups whenever there’s free cheese pizza lol) but I have every intention of making it a lifelong discipline. It’s the one strength I’ve got going for me ha.

I think it’s amazing that you’ve been veggie/vegan for 30 years. It’s a lot easier today with all the choices available, but I can’t imagine how hard it was back in the 80s when vegetarians were regarded as freakshows.

Well ok we’re on to something here. I think you have tremendous value to society as someone who can educate people about a healthy, compassionate living. Maybe you’re already doing that (is that what your blog is about?). There’s a small but strong movement to get people thinking about their own health as well as the health of the planet. Someone like you with decades of experience is a major asset, so for chrissake don’t off yourself until you write that book!!

Seriously, even if it’s just a whimsical memoir of “How I survived as a vegetarian in the 80s” I would totally buy a copy and give one to all my friends. Well ok, to my dog since she’s my only real friend, but you get the point…

As for the lifetime of pain, well I guess it sorta comes with the territory. Whenever you leave the herd, life on your own terms is full of struggles. I’m not just talking about dietary choices, but something we can all relate to here: just seeing the world in a different way than everyone else.

How I long for the comfy days when I “fit in” as long as I did what everyone else was doing… don’t question orders, don’t question life. But you know what, even though life has been & continues to be an ordeal, I have the satisfaction of knowing at least I had the adventure of being different. Maybe you feel the same way once in a while.

Ok now the important stuff. What DO you put on pizza instead of cheese to make it not suck? Lol

seppuku 7/11/2014 - 9:58 am

Sorry that1guy, it’s just I don’t know what you did last night. I went for a long bus ride, felt quite manic in a strange way, ate some pasta and slept for 7 hours, woke up depressed like normal, sigh.

Stain, you can actually buy vegan cheese from a health store though it’s not really up to much. Being in London I actually have a local pizza delivery place that offers authentic Italian totally vegan pizzas, and frankly it’s better than anything I could do myself, even if I WAS cooking. I was delighted when I discovered that place though I mainly order Indian food these days…it’s less expensive and more nutritious.

Yeah I guess being a vegan in the 80’s made me an expert in reading the ingredients on packets. Back then even being veggie was considered an aberration, now ppl are more likely to choose veganism since it’s more consistent and logical if you care about animal suffering, not to mention the planet etc.

Thank you for your suggestions and upbeat thoughts. I kind of take my veganism for granted, it’s always nice to meet a fellow traveller who appreciates the choice we’ve made. With regard to feeling different or treading a different path in life I take that for granted too. Mostly people are kind to me and indulge my eccentricities lol.

Will I ever write that book? Well I guess you never know.

Stain 7/11/2014 - 10:35 am

Haha I’ll keep an eye out for the book 🙂 Kudos on being veg long before the advent of Whole Foods (do you have them in London? It’s a pretty big grocery chain here in the states where you can get the most delicious vegan food including chocolate cheesecake!)

One reassuring thought that keeps me going sometimes is the idea that, although it’s still deflating to care for animals who have no worth by society’s standards, there has been a lot of progress. I was thrilled to see Europe ban cosmetics that are tested on animals recently. It took me a while to realize that cosmetics testing isn’t simply “oh let’s apply a hint of blush to this bunny”… It’s more like “let’s strap this dog down and see how much eyeshadow it takes to make him go blind, and then let’s kill him once the experiment is over”.

Whoa bit of a depressing rant there, but yeah I feel better…

seppuku 7/11/2014 - 1:04 pm

Oh god Stain, that’s appalling! Excellent news about Europe banning cosmetics tested on animals, I’m out of the loop, I didn’t know that. I can’t even bear to witness or know too much about animal suffering to be honest, I just find it too upsetting so I avoid looking at certain things but a film I watched called The Animals converted me to veganism overnight when I was 21. That’s probably out of date now but too many of the atrocities continue, not all that much has changed it seems for the animals. Another depressing rant lol!

clevername 7/11/2014 - 1:19 pm

My issue w/ vegan/vegetarian is: they already killed the animal. It would be a shame to waste it.

killswitchon 7/11/2014 - 7:46 pm

boredom isn’t really your issue here. it’s the depression and apathy that are vampiring your life force. either that or the fact you eat like a rabbit (; maybe a lil Caesar salad combo of both.
lettuce discuss in more detail. just punning and playing around haha.
but really, what’s your blog so us goons can take a peak inside your life? if you know more people are reading it it might give you more incentive to update it.

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