The relative anonymity of this site makes this possible. I have a soul that thrives on confession and a mind that recognizes when that’s a bad thing.
A month or so before finding out I was pregnant with my second son I attempted suicide. I was in a very abusive relationship and I felt trapped. Looking back I am aware that wasn’t the case but it felt like it. On top of the abuse I dealt with a lifelong sense of worthlessness and insecurity.
I consumed nearly a fifth of cheap vodka as fast as I could and ate 20 percocets. My boyfriend found me in the bathroom with the empty bottles and stuck his finger down my throat. I was sick and felt like shit for a day or so but obviously I lived.
The son I was pregnant with at the time has turned out to be a simple child. He repeats everything he says, needs to confirm everything you say to him by repeating it, and doesn’t behave well because he doesn’t remember what he is and isn’t supposed to do and completely tunes out when you are disciplining him. He is excessively emotional and he screams and cries at the slightest provocation. There is no diagnosis of retardation but it’s obvious he isn’t normal. It’s a possibility that it’s genetic but I can’t help but feel my attempted overdose is to blame. I have been carrying this guilt since his condition became obvious.
Lately it is worse because my boyfriend, the father of my daughter, hates him. I am torn between understanding (he is an annoying, genuinely unpleasant child to be around) and hurt because he is my son and a part of me and I am responsible for his unlikability. I really fear that my relationship will end because of my son’s behavior and my boyfriend’s disdain for him.
I hurt over this, because I have failed my son and don’t have the strength to deal with the situation and because so many people are mean to him and I can’t do anything about it.
I tried to end my life because I felt like there was no one who would ever be kind to me and in doing so created a life that will deal with the same thing but to a higher degree.