Lost all motivation. Don’t care about my life. Only care about my cats. Battling mental illness for three years. Invested a lot of time and money. Ruined my successful career. Keep deferring start of graduate school at one of the top universities in the world because I can’t find meaning or purpose to it. Totally black-balled in my line of work. For my last job interview, a former colleague was asked to inquire with me as to my “mental state” right now. If one more person tells me that I have so much going for myself, I will just lose it. My entire family (except for my mother) is incredibly unsupportive. My siblings just call me crazy and everything I do or say is twisted… and then they just flat out lie about me to my father. Since they all thing I am crazy, my father easily believes the lies. I have offered proof of their lies and even to take a polygraph to prove I am telling the truth but he doesn’t care. I have just had it. The cognitive effects of my illnesses and treatments have become too much. I can’t find more than a few hours or a few days of motivation to turn my life around – I don’t even know how anyway. I have failed at every attempt to change my life. I can’t find any meaning or purpose. Both trying to get better and doing nothing is terribly exhausting. I don’t c are anymore and really want to give up. I have really lost all hope and meaning. What’s the purpose in trying anymore? This world is a horrible place….
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It sounds like disconnecting from your family for now would be in your best interest if it’s possible. Sometimes we just have to face the fact that we don’t have great families. That they ostracize you for your psychological issues suggests that they have flaws themselves, even if those flaws are just a lack of compassion and judgemental nature.
I understand what it’s like to feel like you have screwed your life up so bad there is no hope of rebuilding. I wish I could offer some advice. The only thing I can say is that sometimes depression is a fight for our lives and the only weapon we have are the small things that make us feel good. Do what you can to make yourself feel better (within reason) and take it a day at a time.
Thank you, Dollycutter. You are absolutely right. My brother attempted suicide when he was about 20 years old. He called me. I rushed him to the ER. Yet here we are… he is the worst offender in my family. My father used to be supportive but he turned on me. As I was recovering, I spent a lot of time with my cats and working out. At the time, he said how great I was doing but now he just says I wasted months just “playing with my cats and working out.” I have cut most contact off with my family – except for my mother.
I agree that mental illness is a fight for our own lives – it is just so exhausting. I have been in this non-stop fight for three years. I have finally reached that point of total exhaustion.
I appreciate your comments and understanding. Thank you.
A polygraph?Cant imagine what kind of horrible thing your siblings have accused you of-how awful! Youve taken a positive step for your self by cutting off contact-sometimes you have to flee for the sake of your sanity.I wonder..have you gone into treatment as an inpatient? It sounds like you are on heavy meds-(u mentioned the loss of cognitive function due to treatment)or perhaps ECT therapy. Getting the medication balance correct for acute sufferers is not an easy thing-u know this already though, having been struggling with it for what sound like a long time.Hospitalization could get your balance right..I was thinking also,about your feeling that youre ruining your life-No you are not 🙂 When you get well,and can function without crippling exhaustion and emotional torment ,THEN you can resume attaining your goals. Those who say disparaging thing about you-they dont know what it is to struggle with the disorders you experience-therefore they hav no empathy-plus they sound like monstrous assholes..therefore FUCK em. This is life and death situation now for you.Stay close to your dear mother (thank goodness shes in your corner) and do keep sharing your feelings-it can purge some of the poison…I hope you feel better soon.
misanthrope, thank you for your thoughts. I have been inpatient (about 6-7 times in the past two years including a two month stint) and I have done ECT (twice) as well. My siblings are pretty horrible. I used to be the ‘model’ child but they have turned me into the black sheep of the family. I don’t communicate with them anymore. It is so hard finding the energy for consistent motivation over the long-term. It’s tough to realize that I have done all treatment available to me (still no consistent data to show that TMS is effective for MDD) yet still be unwell. Pretty hopeless place to be.