I love the way that life hands me extra frustration when I am already feeling more pain than I can withstand. There is nothing to do but distract myself, try to find pleasure in simple things and endure the experience until it finally ends.
I get so tired of looking up, of putting a happy face over my perceptions and soldiering on. But there really is nothing else to do except feel raw pain distinctly. Does that help me?
I keep having intrusive thoughts about choices that I regret having made and about how my life compares to the life that I hoped to live. I can not stand it. The disparity is so painful that I can not consider it without crying.
I can not change the conditions that keep me in the present circumstances, so I try to interpret my experience gently and integrate it mindfully. Hope is not entirely absent but elusive and undefined. A windfall? Peaceful passing while I sleep? What would constitute realistic hopes? (Is that an oxymoron?)