I’m in law school. I’m kicking ass in law school. I’ve got a great (paid) job this summer. I’m competitively seeking jobs for next summer already.
And I’m a fucking drunk. I probably wouldn’t need both hands to count the number of times in the past year that I haven’t had at least 3-4 drinks before bed.
And I fucking hate myself.
And I feel pathetic for hating myself, when my future is unfolding before me.
I have, deliberately (or almost so), sabotaged everything in my life. For the most part, it worked. Now, as I stand at actually having a career, every attempt I make at sabotage is falling flat.
It’s to the point where I have actually considered going to the Dean of my law school and confessing to cheating (a lie – I’ve never cheated) just to get me thrown out.
Because that’s what I deserve.
2 comments
I was wondering-What do you hate about yourself? Are you afraid of having to go out into the world and perform after you graduate? Some people want to post their thoughts and feelings and not have a dialogue about them,so feel free to ignore this:)
Hold up, now. Not saying you haven’t, but asking: Is such an action one for which you have pictured the consequences? Are they consequences you are willing to accept? I
I know some of us willingly withdraw from life and I support those who do so by choice. It is hard to have choice under the influence. I know you can truly perform at the level you claim while intoxicated. I’ve seen it done. What I doubt, however, is that there is a way to clearly foresee, evaluate, and choose among the possible outcomes of what you describe above without a bit of sober time.
There are ways to get sober time without 12-steps, higher powers, or admitting to powerlessness. Personally, I am not against anyone imbibing in whatever they choose, however they choose, as long as its not forced on me without choice. I can give you information about it if you choose to ask (recoveringfromthat(at) gmail.com).
The world kicks us off our ladders quite enough over our lifetimes, don’t you think? Why join in without at least a little clear-headed thought?
I hope things turn out as you choose – DW