I Am Unlovable.

I find some sick satisfaction in judging others. I always compete. I always need to be better than anyone else. I always fail to be. I’m so negative. I loathe myself. My body is so hairy, even as a female, because I have PCOS and Hirsutism. My stomach is HUGE even though I lost 30lbs (I went from 140 to 110 last year but I look 150. I’m 5ft 3). My wardrobe is that of a 5th grader. I can’t afford anything new. I’m always afraid I’m going to be homeless. I have been dating a guy for 7 years who is abusive in all aspects. I have no friends. I volunteer at a church and enjoy helping truly, but can’t seem to make any friends there either. I’m so judgmental. I hate all of the beautiful, rich, well-traveled people there that always throw in my face that they’re married and I’m not. My useless, son-of-a-***** fiancee. He’s slobby, fat, unemployed. I deserve him. I deserve lower than that scumbag. I’ve worked when he hasn’t. I only wanted a guy who didn’t make me the breadwinner of the household. I can’t support his equally useless, slobby friends who rent from us (using their father’s money and even he can hardly pay us most months). I know what needs to be done, but my health, my body, my mental hell keeps me from doing anything. I need someone else to step up and take charge. To support me. I don’t plan on never working again. I plan on not being the main source of income. It’s too much pressure when I’m suicidal and socially anxious. I’m afraid to pick up a phone. Calls scare me. I need so much and and I need to die. I can’t continue life this way. Unless something miraculous happens and pulls me right out of my depression and I get another job, or my business takes off, or my books actually sell (though I hate them so much, I’m so ashamed), I don’t want to do anything else. I just want to lay here in bed, in a dark room, until I die.