There’s no easier way to sum it up than just simply: I hate who I am and what I’ve made of my life.
At 24 I am a nothing. I didn’t used to be this way.
A [usually in denial] alcoholic, I’ve become alienated from many close friends who I just feel ashamed to be around. I do nothing but ruin nights out and become a burden on everyone. I’ve tried so hard to stop, but it always comes undone. I’ve hit rock bottom so many times, you’d think I’d learn by now, but it still feels like every time will turn out differently and I’ll be better.
An unemployed loser. All around me my friends and family are succeeding, and I’m trying so so hard to find work and it’s always nothing. I have a good education and past experience, but it all means nothing. I feel worthless. I feel boring and useless to be around. I can’t even afford to do things with anybody so I’ve become a loner. Recently I lost my ID and I’m too broke to even afford to replace it! How’s that for pathetic?
I feel like an awful person. I hate the way I am. I hate the way I treat others; lashing out because I feel so dead and broken inside. Because of my stupid choices with alcohol and eating I’ve also given myself a stomach ulcer, so I feel sickly most of the time. Mostly I just sleep all day because I have nothing else to do and its my only peace, then stay up all night crying because I can’t help it anymore. I feel like there’s nothing to live for. I’m quickly losing the people who used to care about me, and I don’t blame them. Because I don’t care about me either, I HATE who I am more than anything. Lately I’ve started hurting myself with swift punches and slaps to my own face, chest, and legs. I feel stupid after but in the moment it’s what I feel I deserve because of how stupid and awful I am.
I used to have bouts of depression and self-hatred, but nothing like this. This time it’s constant, and I don’t even remember how to be happy or feel like a person worthy of love, friends, security, anything. I honestly just want to scream all the time “YOUR LIFE WASN’T SUPPOSED TO BE THIS WAY”. All I think about now is ending it, and if it wasn’t for how disappointed my mom would be I’d do it in an instance, because nothing matters anymore. I DON’T MATTER. AND I’M SO DONE WITH FEELING THIS WAY ALL THE TIME.