I have worked my stinky little self hard trying to “make it.” Now, I can’t take it anymore. I’m too old. late thirties. The ridicule I get everywhere I go. And I am female so men make sure I know how they feel about nasty women. I am infamous. I smell bad no matter what I do. (Yes, I shower. No I don’t have BV, VD, etc. No one gets close enough to pass me those gifts.) I thought it would go away one day via diet, doctors, etc. Nothing has helped. After 20 years, since puberty, I give up that dream.
I have learned to accept the constant ridicule. Accept it as in I know people can’t help their behavior. There are just too many people doing it. Soon as I step out my house, neighbors yell ugh and yuck. Coworkers the same. Cashiers, nurses, everyone I come in contact with. As soon as someone tells someone about me I have another vocal, active enemy, ready to spread the word and add to the army.
I have insulted people back and then they have an easy revenge. So many other people to help. Laughing, laughing, laughing. One of my cousins had people flashing their lights at my car as I drove. I did call her a cow after a comment. So many people got onboard, flashing me. It’s just me against all of you by the way. Slowly losing my mind. Really? It is obviously so much great fun!
One random lady said what they all think I guess, “she’s nasty and she has a nasty attitude.” I guess I’m supposed to bow to others as they jab me. Too old to think you hung the moon simply because you have a healthier body.
I tried talking to my mother about it and she said she might say the wrong thing. So she had no advice. Then she started using the words ugh and yuck when things go wrong. She only started that after I confided in her. She has also said those things to my retreating back after a conversation, like my coworkers did. I hate I told her.
I’m a loser. I live with her. I quit my job after realizing I really am not tough enough to fight being laughed at day in and day out over something that is already screwing with my head. A total joke. Which would be fine if I wasn’t broke. Cash has run out. I will not go into another workplace. If homeless, no one would ever even help me. I couldn’t even be at peace in a homeless shelter.
The only thing is I am an only child. I know she will be upset as she is aging and will need help soon. Not real soon though. She’s 58. She will have time to make other arrangements. Besides, I’m no good anyway as being much help. I avoid all contact with others. She is embarrassed by me too. So, while I know “losing a child” will make some impact on most anyone. I think she will get over it easily knowing how jacked up I “was.” Probably stinking up the house. How I would most likely be a burden anyway.
People may treat her a certain way for having a child that committed suicide. Then again, they may treat her better since I am gone.
I don’t really care much about dying or living. Same difference. After writing this, I really think it’s the right thing. Sometimes it is.