For as long as I remember I was frightened. I feared other people as I wasn’t nearly as good as any of them. Then I joined the military and I was more scared. But then I started drinking and the fear left me. Being gay in a straight world (and a drunk) is not healthy. I was very frightened others would find out I was gay. My gay relationships were few – with occasional encounters – and after each encounter I feared people would know and I would have to leave the military. I never talked about my sexuality. Then through my alcohol addiction and a “disastrous” night I was asked to leave a career I loved more than anything. I was suicidal – and “impending doom” set in. I got sober a few years later and life got better and better. I travelled the world with my career but every so often my head would start talking to me – reminding me that disaster was just around the corner. These sad moments come every so often but lately more and more. I have a photo of me with a team of people – it was taken fifteen years ago – I look very, very happy – but I remember the exact moment – I was suicidal, I just wanted to disappear from this world. I just knew another career was about to end. It didn’t.
The past two days have been the worst ever. I have been reading about suicide and how to do it. In these moments I just know I am to be reduced to nothing. And I just feed my mind with thoughts of doom – over and over – over and over. My rational brain explains how silly I am – and that there is nothing to fear. Absolutely nothing has changed in my physical life at all – just my thinking. I can’t understand why I think like this. Why do I want to end my life? I have beautiful moments, weeks and months of clarity and peace – and then it all goes very dark.
I do not hide my sexuality these days but I have not had a relationship for many, many years and I tell myself I am damaged goods and nobody would be interested. Outwardly everyone sees me as this kind individual who gives people opportunities and stands up for the underdog – but I remind myself they will all find out what a fake I am and that I am not a good person. Throughout the years my careers have hit wonderful peaks – but I leave those jobs much to the shock of my bosses – fear reminds me that it will all crumble and it’s best to stop it myself than have it being taken away from me.
My decision making (out of fear) is reducing my opportunities and my world is becoming smaller. There is so much I want to do but I don’t. It would be best to disappear then I will never be hurt again.
Tonight I am trying a meditation course.
My mind is calmer today. I am glad I didn’t die yesterday. I am so tired.
3 comments
I relate to ‘your world getting smaller’. It’s great that you’ve had those happy times, and satisfaction in your career, and that notwithstanding your dark thoughts, you are going to try meditation today. I hope it helps.
I worked alongside an openly gay guy in the army (we’re a little more lenient in that regard down here – “don’t ask, don’t tell” was made redundant a while back) and boy was he decadent… Outstanding dude though, he did the best imitation of Freddie Mercury (in motion and voice) that I’ve ever seen. He did the job as well (if not better) as the rest of us, and we were accepting of his orientation as long as he could orientate a compass and point us to’rds home.
I like to think you’ve come a long way in life and are still going at a nominal capacity, which is a sight more than most of us here. Aside from your aforementioned bad couple of days, I believe your recent interest in meditation could yield some positive results for you. You seem to possess quite a skill set or repertoire of sorts from previous jobs which is quite desirable in today’s job market, perhaps you could pursue another career in time to come?
Good luck easing off the drink. I haven’t wet my whistle in over a month now, and it’s helped me greatly. Don’t let fear dictate your actions, only let it inform them. You should be aware of the quote Ol’ Ironsides made in that regard, yes? In any event, all the best to you and I hope things take a turn for the better for you.
Thanks for the lovely words. I started a meditation course last night – perhaps with some effort on my part I can enjoy some silence. But I know it will take effort and commitment. I just don’t want re-live through those days again.
I am trying Raja Yoga. I have tried many before and let them all go. I can’t seem to stick with things.
The nagging is always there softly in the background but then certain things trigger the insane thinking and it escalates into madness – and my head is a can of worms. But on the outside all looks normal.
Thanks for the Ol’ ironsides. I had not read it before. What a wonderful poem – so deep and meaningful.
And your writings are very creative also. You gave me a few chuckles. Peace for taking the time to share with a ship in the night.