In this life there is more devasting things than pleasing.

Hello, My name is Destiny and my birthdate is 05-121996

My childhood growing up was less than pleasing…for me any way. My mother met my father when she was 18 and they messed around…a week later he went to jail for theft and she found out she was pregnant with me. You see my father was a drug dealer/user, a drunk and abusive. When I was born he accused my mother of being a…player and said there was no way I was his. He beat her mercilessly.  2 years later my sister Kayla was born, he held no doubts seeing as he married my mother and kept her from the outside world constantly. Sometimes my father would threaten my mother with my sister and I, for example he held a knife to my throat and told my mother he would kill me if she didn’t behave. She believed him and we, my sister and I, had to listen to my mothers screams as our father violated her. She stayed with him till I was 9 years old, of course she only left when he went to a bar after saying when he came back he was going to kill all three of us.

I lived in fear for a while, still do at times, but as the years got better…it also got worse. At the age of 10 I was diagnosed with ADHD and put on Ritalin, I of course had a horrible reaction to it with hallucinating. I was taken off. At the age of 12 I was diagnosed with major depression and the fighting with my mother wasn’t helping with that either. I started to cut. my mother met a man, Brian, I hated him with my entire being. Of course I smoked with him though, that was the only time we got along. A week after my first visit to a mental hospital the two got married. I was angry…

It was only 3 months later that the big fight happened, “Your a piece of shit just like your father! Your going to be just like him!” Brian had yelled in anger, at this point I became infuriated! who was this man to compare me to that low life? “Your a horrible father!” I screamed back, referring to his own children not wanting anything to do with him. At this point Brian was was in my face, a breath away and screaming at me. I started to cry but he didn’t let up. I forget most of what was said but my mother stood beside us saying nothing, “Choose Angela(my mother), me or her?!” Brian screamed, I felt like I was slapped in the face as I looked at my mother, she looked torn.

“Please don’t make me choose.” Mom whispered, I felt like I was stabbed in the chest, I remember the two of them going into their room and arguing and I had somehow ended up  in my room. I was hurt, why would she even have to think about this? I remember looking into the mirror and seeing a female version of my dads face staring back at me. the last thing I remember is pulling out my razor and then it went black. the next thing I know I’m living with my grandparents. I start to therapy, I remember meeting about  6 people but they always dropped me, one even said I was a lost cause. Heather though, she kept me. I went to her from the age 14 to about 4 months ago. However, four months ago I almost succeeded in my second suicide attempt. I swallowed a whole bottle of extra strength Tylenol and 14 advil PM… if it had been 30 minutes later it would have been to late! I was found out though…I walked into the school and remembered being woozy, and vomiting a few times and my principle commented on how pale I was. I told her I hadn’t slept in a few days, like usual…it wasn’t a lie either. I remembered passing out in class then waking up abruptly and running to the restroom on unsteady feet and heaving some more. my principle found out and I was rushed to the hospital. a tube bigger than my thumb finger was shoved up my nose and into my gut after I kept vomiting up the charcoal. This continued for hours till I was in the safe. I took little to no damage on my livers…lucky says the doctor. I wish I had dies that day, it would have been a painful and long death but I would have welcomed it with open arms and a smile. Im tired of faking a smile, i’m tired of fighting, im tired of breathing, im tired of everything.

Lately I have started fighting with my grandmother and it makes me feel awful…she even compared me to my father and said id wind up a nothing…just like him. Even talking to my best and dearest friend can no longer cheer me up. I want to leave this earth. this earth that is filled with awful deceitful people, where the good are few and far between. This earth that will give you something to be happy about then take it away with a dark smile. im sick of it, this word disgusts me.

I have given up, what use is there fighting the inevitable? I’m goanna die one day anyway…why not give myself peace once and for all? I cant wait to see the black void awaiting me, or if your religious…the fiery pits of hell.