Intent2Ki!!

I’ve told this story before but rather than have it disappear into obscurity I’d like it to be a lesson for all new comers, if it can help you understand your life a little better.

I tried to kill myself when I was in my early twenties. It’s been roughly 10 years since that night, and I won’t ever be able to shake it..that I know!
I was getting wrapped up into drugs and suffering from depression, and needless to say I wanted to die and had every intention in doing so. There wasn’t all this easy access to the Internet so methods were pretty basic. I won’t get into methods, don’t worry.
But there I was in a rented storage room where I had spent a good 4-5 years of my life just wanting to end it all. It was too much for too long, my whole life. All those years going friendless and taunted and ignored all together seem to push me further and further from who I really am, outside of all this darkness. Having only pain from a broken spine and no money or future made any amount of reasoning not enough to make me see that life could possibly be worth living. Any mental disorder i might have had or have, went unchecked. I slipped deeper and deeper into loneliness till that was all I had. That and drugs. It seemed like such an easy decision..I knew I wasn’t meant for life and I was ok with that. I just wanted an end.
One particular night I had pretty much decided that it was enough and I was most definitely done. So I arranged to have some people deliver me a few things. The guilty concerned expressions on their faces were enough to sink a battleship, weighing heavy on my mind and my conscience. I couldn’t help but break down when they asked me if I was ok, and then I swiftly told them to leave. I locked myself in and that was all..
I drank the whole night, I drank an entire bottle, I took all that had been delivered, I turned off the light and I tucked myself in for sleep.
In the darkness, pain enveloped my entire body. I could feel hands clawing at me and shadowy figures all around. I was sure that I had slipped into hell and was getting what I deserved. I whispered for it to stop and for none of it to be real. I could feel my cold tears choking me from the inside out, as they filled my lungs. I gasped for breath and prayed to god. I cried and screamed for what seemed like an eternity.
I can’t tell you how it happened, but suddenly the urge to live came over my mind and my soul and I felt a strength that hasn’t left me since.
In the dark, I rolled and crawled to be free from the pain. I felt the freezing sting of glass and blood on my hands. I stopped and sank for one final breath and when I let it out…I saw a light.. A light peering from underneath a door. I crawled on my hands and knees in the darkness and reached out to open the door..
Instantly I was consumed and thrown back from the light. It’s radiance was like a sword cutting me down to my knees…and I kneeled there in my tears and in my blood, and in my new hope I saw a brighter tomorrow. I felt the warmth all over from being given a second chance at life.
I looked back into the darkness and knew that I was wrong, and I felt the guilt in that moment. But it was the only way I would have learned just how much I wanted to live.
It wouldn’t be the first or the last time I let myself slip into darkness. But it taught me that even at my lowest, there is still a way back. Since those days I’ve managed to retain who I am and what makes me happy. I believe in myself. and all the worldly problems, although complicated and cruel as they are, really don’t add up to a big enough picture to paint my life in its many suppressive reflections. The fight and the quest to be a whole person continues, as I try every day to realize my dreams and truly live a life worth living every day.
And so to this day…I am alive

Thank you for reading

______ revision______

You know, this is an experience coming from a person who once had extreme values and perceptions on drugs, relationships and family values. My entire world was coming to an end all at the same time. My long time high school girlfriend left me to drugs, I found out my parents did drugs, a promising career teaching martial arts was over due to drugs on account of my spine disorder. The world I knew was already fucked up as it was, then everything started falling apart at once. It got really heavy after not caring for so long that it finally boiled over. You can’t run from it..
But when it comes you have to do what’s right. When you find yourself in that moment you have to ask yourself what your intensions truly are. Who are you really killing?

____revision____

See this is what most people don’t understand..
It’s this moment right now that you should cherish the most. It’s this moment right here at the very lowest that will teach us how to be stronger than the last bitter moment. It teaches us how to be more than what we’ve been. Until finally we can see where we are capable of going and who we see ourselves as, accepting what we are given in this life. To some, these moments are infinite with no end, and that they only add up to numbers which stack against them. But it’s these moments that show us how perfect we truly are, with what our true intensions are. Because its not our intension to kill ourselves, it’s an intention to be free from pain and to abandon everything and be nothing in the face of everything that stacks against us. But we carry ourselves in that belief till the end. It never dies. It shows us that our intentions are perfect in a world that only begs for more and more, its these moments that truly prove to us that enough is enough. But which way will you go?