loser and coward

I have a fucked up life.
Till my 11th class i was a good student and a person who had a lot of fucking confidence… I would say what I like infront of friends and often they get fucking angry at me.. One time i did some serious shit and talked to a friend on facebook pretending to be a girl. When he came to know about it he got angry…he fucking slaped me and i was wondering why he did that…i did not slap him back because may be i was too coward..
Other friends came and they rescued us…
I felt really low and ashamed that i could not slap my friend back…i got away from my friends…. And i started gettin isolated…i still talked to my friends but with ill heart.
When high school was over i went to another city and broke my contact with all my friends.. See how coward i was? I got away from all friends i had…i hated them or i felt ashamed of them because of that slap..im not sure…
After high school i went to pursue an accountancy degree but i failed to do it… For four fucking years i was stuck..
Those were times felt as a loser and depressed person. I kept away from everyone and became a loner …i was alone for weeks and that made me even more depressed. I had no girlfriend to cry on. My parents were in other city and i had no friends. Finally after four years i left that accountancy degree and went to pursue other business degree.
Im doing ok here..but from inside im broke..i feel as a loser… This degree is worth nothing in my country and im not goin to get a fucking job ..i feel future is dark ..still im lonely …i have made a girlfriend but i always think to lose her…to let her go because i feel i dont deserve love..i feel unworthy of love…
I cant take a decision for myself…slightest irritation makes me change my decision..im weak and lonely…im a coward and i cant stand for myself..im labled as a failure and loser among all because i wasted four fucking years of my life. I start to wonder sometimes what to do …i feel sucide is a good option because to me future is certain it feels dark. …is there a more appealing option..im took antidepressents then left them then strated again..they dont seem to work at all….where can i find peace..i want peace in my life..some times i feel so much pain in myself…i want to take a knife and bring out blood and cut my wrist ..because i feel afterwards there will be peace ..i know i should not think like that..i should feel ok..but dont know how…
One more thing which kills me is that i feel my parents are resposible for this depression and wrong decisions i took in my life…they always discouraged me and they never believed in me. They always demotivated and told me all things im bad at…i feel angry and i feel things are out of my control