I stumbled across this site after numerous related searches…maybe it will feel “like home”. i’m turning 36 in 2 days and I never thought my life would be like this. I was always one of those positive people that said and believed things like “you determine your destiny” and “your life is what you make of it.” apparently, I’ve made a mess. it’s not that there is any one problem or even a list of problems. it’s that my whole life IS the problem. the simple fact that I exist and continue to exist is the problem. it’s beyond the point of “cheer up” or maybe “buying something will make me smile.” I simply don’t want to be “here” any more. For many years I have thought of my life like a video game. I’m losing, continue to lose, there’s nothing in it for me, and i’m ready to turn the power switch off and put the controller down. I don’t want to make a scene by throwing the controller at the tv or hitting the person next to me with it. I don’t want to push pause and listen to polite melodies. the thing about this game, called my life, is that there is no where to go, no where to advance, and no other players. I started off losing and throughout the game, I continue to lose more and more as time progresses. I just want to put the controller down, take a deep sigh, say to myself “thank god, it’s over” and walk away. no dramatic exits or fancy verbiage. it’s simply over. that is what would make me happy, and not just now, or just today, or just lately, but I’ve felt this way for many years. I have tried distracting myself, telling myself and even believing at times that things WILL get better. but i’m tired of fighting. of fighting everyone. everywhere I go, people laugh at me. they actually look down, or to someone else, smirk and grin widely. I don’t particularly find anything funny about my existence. I don’t have an unusual look. I have all of my body parts, no strange piercings/ tattoos/ clothing. nothing that stands out. and yet, I am continuously surprised by the amount of people in my life (including strangers and acquaintences) that don’t hesitate to stab me in the back to get ahead; or more often, so I don’t get ahead. it’s not that I have lots of money or lots of anything for that matter (or even a little money or a little bit of friends), so I can’t understand why people do what they do. I just try to have a quiet life, not stepping on anyone’s toes, not committing crimes, or putting anyone or anything in danger or harms way. I just want to have a quiet life. it doesn’t have to be hugely successful (since that’s not even an option), or relatively successful. I’ve grown accustomed to the idea of moving somewhere far away, less populated and just quietly continuing my sad, unknown, easily forgettable existence. but even that seems too much to ask lately.