As this summer toils on, I’m left contemplating how things change in life. I’ve spent the last four months watching my life degrade. Losing people who meant the world to me, losing my job. Watching things that I used to enjoy and even take a bit of pleasure in wither away. But mostly I’ve been thinking about how different I thought this summer would be. Instead of planning my death, right now I was supposed to be planning my wedding. Instead of watching people slip away, I was supposed to be preparing to welcome a child within the next year or so. Now, I find myself not wanting to leave my house because of all the constant reminders of what I should have been doing. Can’t sleep, my dreams are plagued by the faces of the past, or the lies of the future. There is no joy, no hope, no ambition other than to end the emptiness that has taken me. I long for the cold loving embrace of death.