I can’t get help, and it’s going to kill me.
Being transgender, a lot of my normal life, when I’m not suicidal, depends on my ability to get medical treatment- much of which involves therapists asking me, time and time again, if I’ve had any intentions of hurting myself in recent times. I really need to talk about it. I want to get help. But I know that if I say anything, I could end up far more depressed, and being denied treatment I desperately need.
I am kind of in a constant state of being suicidal- it never really goes away. I can be at my happiest and still see a bottle of pills or a busy street or a bridge or a belt and think “what if?”. The scariest thing is that I want to be alive. My regular self does. But the person I become when I get randomly struck with a fit of anxiety/depression (a really fun cocktail that results in a sense of impending doom and a need to get out, somehow)- he’s different. I need to learn how to deal with my suicidal urges, but I cannot get help, which makes me certain that someday it’s literally going to kill me. It’s seriously fucking terrifying, having to live life knowing that you can become something at any given moment that wants nothing more than to destroy the body it’s in. A body that you’re working your hardest to make your own, and one that you genuinely like residing in. I feel like I’m being stalked by a killer at all times. I have no idea how to get help, and I feel so damn trapped.