My family doesn’t know that I’m gay. In fact, they think I’m straight. Sometimes it seems like they try to push sexuality on me. It’s weird. They say that I should get a girlfriend, get married, have kids, and all that shit. I tell my parents that I don’t want to get married or have children and they don’t believe me. They think that just one day, I’ll meet the right girl.
To be honest I’ve never been kissed, held hands with, or hugged someone romantically. In fact, I try to avoid touching people. Relationships seem so foreign to me. I see a lot of people get heartbroken, and I cannot sympathise, for no one has ever even shown interest in me. There have been girls that have at least seemed to show some interest by the tone of their voices and the choices of their words, and that always scared the shit out of me. I have almost no idea how I’d feel if another male did that with me. Nonetheless, I know I’d feel at least a little strange, possibly even frightened.
Sexuality really seems to run the world. Sex seems to be what most relationships are about, so I avoid them by trying to look as ugly as I can. I can imagine being in a relationship and saying that I never want to have sex, watching lovers just go away. Relationships, from what I used to think, were so important, but they’re nothing more than just emotions running rampant, and then fading away. In the end, everyone dies alone, right?
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Yea I know how you feel. I’ve never had a relationship before, I’ve just always been a bit scared of what can happen (maybe it’s my past, maybe it’s the depression, I don’t really know). The last thing I’d want to do is break someone’s heart. But the world is just so focused on the straight and narrow “if you haven’t had a relationship before you’re not living right”, and it makes me mad. I just always kinda tell myself that the perfect person will come along, no matter your sexuality, and you just need to wait. It’s hard to believe a lot of time, though… 🙁
I think you should really try to sit your parents down and talk to them
We die alone, but we live among men.
Also, I’m assuming you’ve heard of Freud? I mean, unless you’re very young, and you seem kind of young..
I have heard of Freud. Is 18 too young too be aware of him? It seems like, though, I’ve only heard of some of his more exotic theories.
No, it’s just, I almost can’t imagine him not crossing your mind while you were writing this, I mean, the title & everything as well…
I’m not much of a reader, unless it’s a few paragraphs, so I don’t really read much about Freud, let alone know much about him.
You say you’re gay but then you seem to describe yourself as being asexual. Well I haven’t admitted it before when I posted here but I am actually bisexual, though I know to some it may not even seem like a real category. I used to think I was straight, I still like women, but I really enjoy sex with men as well but I’m extremely picky with both genders.
Part of the reason I didn’t commit suicide yet though I thought about it a million times is because I don’t feel that I’ve experienced enough in life…esp. pleasure. Once I think I’ve had my fill then I might end it but other problems in my life dog me so that might cause me to end it sooner but I’m not very far from wanting to end it.
I just know that once I’m gone there will be nothing-it’ll be like sleeping without dreaming. Though I also have a belief I might come back in another life (despite being an atheist), not knowing this one I’ve had. Who knows…anyways, while you’re here, what’s the point of avoiding people? Of course we all die one day, at least try to enjoy life if and while you still can.
Didn’t complete my thought-as I was saying, I know once I’m dead it’s over…so I’m going to try to make the most of the life that I still have. I didn’t go as far in life as I wanted to, experienced many let-downs and that’s the reason I want to end it-but there’s still some things I want to do, that’s why I hang on still. If things take a turn for the worse for me, then I don’t intend to stay around for too long…but for the moment my life is ok so I’m going to try to stick it out as long as I can at least another couple of years.
“Part of the reason I didn’t commit suicide yet though I thought about it a million times is because I don’t feel that I’ve experienced enough in life…esp. pleasure.”
My issue with and beyond this, is that i have enough foresight to understand that the longer i’m stuck in unmanageable conditions, the more non-pleasure i will experience, and the less and less likely it will become, for me to ever “close the gap,” and certainly not eclipse it.
It’s like… if every day, you have to pay a penny more than you did the day before, just to get through the day… you might be surprised to find how quickly that cost becomes impossible to keep paying. And that’s not even counting the costs of doing anything “fun.”
10,000 days is something like 26-27 years, IIRC… so if that penny thing started at birth, you’d already be required to pay over $1k/day, just to survive. The vast majority of the population struggles to make that amount in a whole month.
At some point you realize: “this is too much, i can’t do this anymore, and i’m never going to reach any goals, because i can’t even afford to survive.”
well i just screwed that math all kinds of bad lol. Fuck it.
Haha, no problem about the math, I think it’s a good analogy and in fact it has real world application. In my city I’ve seen the rents creep up to ridiculous levels-for shithole apartment buildings-I wouldn’t live in them even if I could afford it (I lucked out with the great place I live in right now).
Do they think that salaries are going up exponentially or something? Salaries for lower-end jobs are still stuck in the 70s in terms of real buying power. It’s an ugly situation right now. Fortunately I’ll be in a dual income situation soon so I’m hoping I can get a house in a year or so and get away from the tyranny of renting but that’s an aside.
Yes I do see your point that if the cost of living (not just financially) becomes all too great, then there’s simply no reason to go on. I am glad that I am more suicidal today than I was a few years ago because back then I went through some extremely difficult and painful crises but I had wanted to live. If I had to go through something similar again I’d be more likely to check out this time around.
I am suffering, with work, with missed opportunities, with loneliness, with trying to get back in shape and a million other things-but things are in a holding pattern, basically stuck in rut, they’re not getting worse but my life has enough pleasure/enjoyment that I keep staying alive.
I also think of the example of my stepmother who nearly killed herself about 5 years ago. While I’m not terribly fond of her, I considered her a part of my family and we got along well. I’m actually glad that she didn’t die because our lives were better for it. I look at it in those terms for myself. I’m miserable in my life but I know there’s a few people who really count on me to be there and their world would turn upside down if I suddenly disappeared.
Still I will only put up with so much crap for so long. The best things I could’ve had in my life are largely behind me and it pains me to know I’ll never have it as good as I once did, but I think I can get something close to it if I do things to improve my life. Otherwise, I’m just getting older with little to show for all my efforts.
You’re a bright guy clevername, it will be sad to see you go whenever you do. You remind me of some rare friends I had who I considered intellectuals and I’d always have stimulating chats. But I’m sure you have your reasons as I have mine.
bro I’m bi sexual and I’m 25 and my parents still don’t know. well
my mom might have an idea but my dad is none the wiser. it’s all about personal comfort. I grew up in your standard orthodox Christian environment where it was considered sinful to be different in any way. only when u feel ready and comfortable do you ever share that vulnerable part of yourself with close people u trust and who will value it. trust me. discern who to trust and choose your friends before they choose you.
‘I also think of the example of my stepmother who nearly killed herself about 5 years ago. While I’m not terribly fond of her, I considered her a part of my family and we got along well. I’m actually glad that she didn’t die because our lives were better for it. I look at it in those terms for myself. I’m miserable in my life but I know there’s a few people who really count on me to be there and their world would turn upside down if I suddenly disappeared.’
Yes, snap, I matter to a few people too (fewer than before). But it’s only really my mum and my son that would be badly hurt. I promise myself just a few more years, mum is 82, son is 18, try to live just one day at a time, have lost all hope and don’t want to be here at all. But my story is not even unusual, thousands of sp’ers probably feel the same.