Since my relationship crumbled a few weeks ago, I have had this sinking feelingp in the pit of my stomach. I would wake up with it. It’d be with me until I went to bed at night. The only time i could ignore it was at work.
Sometimes, I’d wake up in the morning and cry myself into a vomit session. Worst part about that is not having ingested anything but weed and alcohol for the past 23hours. I’d rather drink than eat. Eating is so hard now but it used to be my favorite thing. Now nothing has taste. I went to bed last night so drunk I passed out in my work clothes and shoes. Up comes the extra quart of vodka and soda. Regular stomach bile is next. Dry heaving is the worst though. Somewhere between the vodka vomit and dry heave, I wonder why I do this to myself, only to quickly remind myself that it’s either this, or no sleep and look like absolute holy shit tomorrow.
Yesterday I had a tiny wonton soup for lunch. I don’t remember what I ate the day before but in my new routine I have tiny amounts of food per 24hour period. I drank a pint of vodka and smoked some weed. Ran out of weed and scraped my pipe for anything that was left in the resin. Lung cancer? I don’t give a shit. There’s power in knowing that I’m the master of my destiny and a cancer diagnosis is my prescription to 5grams of ********.
Today I tried to tell myself that I have to eat. I went and picked up a burrito and I decided not to eat it. I worked a half shift but I could feel myself getting weaker and lightheaded. At the stroke of 6 I punched out immediately and went to eat. I feel disgusting and I wanted to vomit but I’m trying my best to keep it down.
Who knew that my depression would ruin the only thing I thought could never be taken: the joy of eating another meal and caring for myself. Parts of me hope I pass out on the street and get run over. The other part of me knows that I can’t afford to live after that. Thanks obamacare.
18 comments
I get depressed and suicidal at times. Not due to a relationship, but do to finances ( 4 years ago I lost my full time job and can only get temporary work now ). Not eating and drinking on an empty stomach will give you bleeding ulcers or colitis. People who have colitis often have part of their intestines removed and they have an ostomy bag attached to their side to collect their crap. Now that is depressing. Eat to your hearts content and enjoy it!! A doctor can also prescribe you some trazodone to help you sleep. AS far as ******** goes, doctors do not prescribe it anymore.
Good luck!
Well aware my friend. I work in a pharmacy in the US. ******** can be “scored” online without an rx but you gotta find the right site. I haven’t actually begun the search but I’ve seen a couple forums with suggestions for finding it. Trazodone is balls. Makes you dizzy, pass out and you wake up feeling a little…slow. Pharmaceutical
Drugs aren’t really my thing. I prefer marihuana and booze. Lol. Thanks for telling me about the UC as that escaped my regular thought process. I’m currently chewing up antacids when I’m not eating and more after drinking. Not the best answer but it calms my stomach ache. It’s shitty when you body is hungry but mentally, you’re dreading it. I’m literally the friend that always says “ok, I’m hungry” especially since I’m a mega pot head. I’ve had people respond to that saying “oh, is it that time of the hour?” Lol. Luckily, I’m not overweight but I’m also not underweight. I’m a healthy middle with a couple extra lbs but overall I’m in good shape. It’s just sucky for now.
My suicidal stuff is in comparison to my real life and consequences of reality. Please read my other post “Suicide and other comforts”. I think you may dig.
I am new here. May I ask why you are not eating? If you are in the USA thats impossible. Every adult male or female out of work gets $160 worth of food stamps at minimum per month. Do you sell your food credits for booze? What would you like to do different? ********……ahhhhhh……I have been toying with that idea myself. There are nothing reliable on the Internet. What is a good substitute?
Good alternative to ******** is Phenobarbital. It’s close but soo much more weak sauce. It’s on the same scale as Xanax. ******** is on the same scale as percocet. I’m not eating out of not having. My spirit is upset and it’s difficult to enjoy things like before because of my relationship break down. Depression is a thing that happens to me after shit hits the fan. It takes a while to clean up the mess, but I’m a good cleaner and I can repatch myself until I’m a uniquely quilted soul.
But nice undercover fat joke. lol. “If you’re in the USA that’s impossible”. I work and keep myself in good financial standings. I must admit that I’m luckier than many on this site, but as humans we all share the same kind of toolboxes known as emotions.
Just read about a nurse in NY who killed herself and her two daughters with a 30 pound tank of ******** gas.
Holy shit. That’s awful. I don’t think she should’ve taken the girls but ugh. The choices one makes sometimes no one understands.
It happens. I have that same gut wrenching thing on a daily basis (and it has been a year since my relationship ended). I had to force myself to eat for the first months and i lost a lot of weight (and i was skinny to begin with). In time you are bound to recover your normal hunger levels, but there’s not much sense on punishing yourself in the meantime, you’re only going to get health problems and feel worse. Maybe you could try some natural sleeping pills (there are some) or a mild sedant, because the booze will only mess your liver and and your stomach even more.
You’re right about that last part. But honestly, I like feeling different. I like feeling confident and reassuring myself that things are gonna be alright. It’s a little easier to talk to myself if I’m pliable. Lol. Anyways, the natural sleeping pills are melatonin and while I would NEVER in my entire life knock it’s use, it don’t get cha high and that’s what I like to be when I’m feeling down. It’s not uncontrollable drinking or weed consumption. Just more than usual.
I can hardly sleep these days because of my stomach. It really kills me. I eat so little. I know it is caused by stress and depression, not food.
Yep. It’s just sucky because you can’t ignore it. I take antacids all the time now. I go right for the Zantac 150 or ranitidine, the generic name. It’s good for the uncomfortable ache but not the empty. I’m drinking lots of water and juice. Eating soups when I do eat so it won’t sit so heavy. I tried eating a burrito today and I was successful but I wish I hadn’t picked such a heavy meal on such a weakened stomach. Try soup, baby. It might help.
I get heartburn even from a simple soup… I have a bottle of Gaviscon by my bed, but it doesn’t help much. It is really terrible.
Ugh. Not good! Especially since that stuff is just ugh!! Pink pepto maybe?
Sometimes (not always) simple boiled potatoes help, but they take about half an hour to cook, so if I want something quick because I am hungry before going to bed I am stuffed (no pun intended!) 🙁
I’m not sure where you live but I’m out in LA. There’s a couple grocery stores in my frequented areas that offer good, ready to eat meals. It’s just hard to pick what will sit well. If potatoes sit ok then oatmeal maybe as a bedtime thing? My mom has ulcer issues and she’s big on warm milk and oatmeals.
Warm milk should be good but I try not to drink too much before going to bed… 🙁 Oatmeals should indeed be good too, although I am not a big fan… At any rate warm is better than cold.
Warm is more satisfying that cold but it’s literally “no teeth” food. Lol.
We used to get a pack of muesli with our issued ration packs. I’d make a habit of making a hot brew (moffee usually), pouring it into the containing pack and munching it back as such. Quite satisfying on a cold night’s sentry duty.
Gone are the days where I’d power back a five course meal like it were nothing. I can hardly manage a single square meal these days. Yes, I can’t believe that depression has claimed my love for food, which is coincidentally the reason why I don’t bother making any big meals.
Ugh, I dunno. Barley sugars and water? I s’pose as long as one keeps their fluids up, they should be okay. I’ll stop there before I go off tangent.
Lol. I know. I’m doing ok in the eating department today. Well, yesterday. I ate a burger, and it stayed down which was awesome! I was feeling so weak and dragging. Had soup and salad later which was soo good. It’s a strange relationship with food right now. Today I had a snack, but nothing solid since I woke up about 10 and it’s now 7. >.<
I don't think I have it in me to eat the military food pack thing. Maybe the jambalaya that I had once and it wasn't awful but you know. When you're hungry, you'll eat shit raw!