Yet another day that I woke up alone. No missed texts or calls from anyone. No one to talk to except my personal demons telling me your not worthy of experiencing this day. Just the same mundane routine that plagues me every day. Wake up exhausted because I cant sleep well anymore. Its 6 am. I hit snooze hoping an extra 5 minutes will make me feel a little better yet I never seem to be able to take that extra 5 minutes. Its like a tease.
Stand in the shower looking at the cuts on my arm and crying wishing I could smell her cooking breakfast again and hear my little girl stumbling around wiping her eyes trying to wake up to a beautiful day. I get dressed but I have all but given up on trying to look nice. She would always tell me you look really good in that or I like how that shirt compliments you. It doesn’t matter now so why try. I grab my stuff and sit in my car smoking a cigarette staring off into space while it warms up.
The long drive to work. I used to blast my music and sing along while I was on the freeway. Now, I sit in silence praying for the semi truck next to me to lose control and take me out with him. It never happens. Just another tease I guess. I get to work way early every morning because I have nothing to spend that extra 20-30 minutes at home for. I put on my mask and blend in with the crowd knowing its all a lie and that I don’t belong. They all are smiling, talking on the phone to someone who loves them and misses them. I muster through my tasks although they no longer give me the joy of accomplishing something like they used to.
Lunch time comes and I sit staring at my computer screen or in the bathroom in tears. Most days, I wish I could bring my blade with me just so I could have a little release halfway through my day. I usually spend the remainder of the day in a trance relying on basic repetition to complete my work. Look its 5. Time to go home. Why? I have nothing to go home to. Yet another long silent drive praying for a huge pileup where I am the only casualty.
I open my door to silence. No smiling faces. No hug and a kiss. No “how was your day”? No “daddy look what I did” Maybe I can focus long enough to play a game or 2 on my xbox. Nope, just another tease. It decides to take a shit on my like everything else in my life. Now I get to sit in silence and stare at a blank screen. No games, no Netflix. Just nothingness.
Oh, hello, how are you? Why are you telling me to do this. I don’t want to. Go away. Ok fine, if you wont leave I guess Ill play your game. Wow, that blade does feel good. I guess you were right. Where did the time go? Its 11pm. I should be sleeping. Nope, still no texts or calls from anyone. I guess maybe Ill lie down and see if I can sleep. Wait, I didn’t eat today. O well, I don’t need to. Hmm, 2AM, tomorrows gunna suck. At least im used to it since it will be another day just like the rest.