I have been suicidal for over 8 years now. At times it gets better but recently it’s been getting worse. I think about it a lot. The only thing that prevents me from doing it is my son. I don’t want to hurt him but I don’t know how much longer I will be able to keep going for him.
Back story:
I was in the military for almost 10 years when I got divorced. At first it was fun then I started to get lonely, I tried to get my ex wife back but she wanted nothing to do with me unless it dealt with our son. This is when I became depressed. I ended up checking myself into the hospital 3 times for suicidal ideations. To this day I can still see the bullet in the barrel of the gun as I pointed it at my face. Why didn’t I just pull the trigger then????? I wish I had. I got honorably discharged from the military and had to start a new life. It has been hell since then. It seems like every time life is starting to get better something happens to bring me back down. I want to be over my ex but I just can’t stop wanting her back. How do I get over this pain I feel every day? If I end it all it would be so much better for me but I know it would hurt my son. I contemplate this everyday and lately the pain seems to be winning more and more. I already know how I would do it but would my son really be better off without me? In starting to think he would. How can I be a good dad when I can barely keep myself going?
4 comments
Your story shares many similarities with mine. I too lost the one I love, I missed her instantly and tried so hard to get her back. I also have a son. I’ve tried to be a good dad but when in a constant depressed state, it’s very difficult. He deserves better than what I offer. My pain just gets worse every day.
I feel the same way. The only reason I haven’t done it is every time I’m with him he is so happy to be around me I just can’t do it to him. His mom is military and I’m not sure how I’m going to be able to stay going on once she leaves with him to Germany for 3 years.
My son is exactly the same around me. I try so hard to put on a brave face for him, when inside I’m literally breaking down. I have plans in place, if I actually go through with it remains to be seen. I still hold onto the hope of winning her back. She told me just today that she loves me, she’s just not ready for me. The fact she has just moved a new man into her home tells me she won’t be ready anytime soon. If ever. Do I really want to stick around and watch someone I love live out their life with someone else?
It seems like were living similar lives. Mine hasn’t told me she loves me in a very long time but every time she gets lonely she uses me to fill the void. Nothing intimate just let’s me come around more until she doesn’t need me anymore. It is a roller coaster ride of emotions, it’s killing me. I had to watch her move in with out ex boss, who I suspected she cheated on me with. They are no longer together but were for a few years. It was hard to watch because I know he didn’t make her happy but I thought I could. Even now that there not together she still won’t give me another chance. I’ve had a plan in place for a long time but I just can’t seem to go through with it. I can’t let myself hurt my son this way. I hope your pain gets better and it gets easier for you. Mine hasn’t for 8 years. I’m afraid once he goes to Germany it will be easier for me to allow myself to leave this world. How long have you guys been separated? I also feel it is my fault because I’m the one who asked for the divorce. I just want to fix it but she won’t let me in too.