He loves me and can’t live without me–he says. But he won’t listen when I tell him what I need to be happy and to regain trust in him after robbing me while high on crack. I was a codependent until I learned to implement a tough love routine.
He promised he would go to rehab so i sprung him out of jail. And then, he skipped off 3 hrs away blowing off rehab. He insists i cheat on him when he’s the only one. He’s psychotic and the list of guys he accused that I am having sex with just keeps growing. We argue and I defend myself. I could never cheat on him despite all that’s he’s done to hurt me.
I’m alone most weekends. When he comes to visit once or twice / month, he wants sex and love and attention. But he’s always broke, needs gas to return home 3 hrs. away, needs me to buy meals out or food at home, pay for anywhere we go. He fixes everything that is broken here, finds projects to do but than won’t let me forget what he’s done, what it would have cost me, and how broke he is. He claims he works hard–yet his total hours are 6 hrs. a week supposedly. He screams and shouts when he’s angry. I scream back and my stomach locks up and I have pain in my chest.
I beg him to give me peace. To just be nice. That’s it. I pay all of my own expenses and all of ours when we are together. I’ve been waiting and praying for a change. He promises it will come–but one crisis after the next pushes him 10 steps back again.
Yesterday, he grabbed my ink pen and began stabbing into both of his forearms, and scraping the pen down the veins on his forearms. Blood spattered everywhere. On both of our clothes. He was crying. I was in shock, stone faced and then crying too.
Later I called the police because I didn’t trust that I would be safe or that he wouldn’t start another argument leading to more cutting. He left when I called the police. I woke up to this nightmare and cannot get the images of his bloody arms and tear-filled eyes out of my mind. This is how it ended for us. He’s still alive when I called him this AM but said he would end it tonite.
His mom loved him, provided for him but was giving him hell all the time. He robbed her too when we were young. He went to prison and she let him sit and rot. He defines her as abusive and abandoning him by letting him go to prison for 10 yrs. This anger and rage is turned toward me. He fights and defies everything I ask of him. He is the angry child who hates his mother. I am that mother.
I am so sad and devastated. Very alone and defeated that he didn’t change like he promised. Why did I have to be so tough. Now it’s too late and I can’t express the hurt and pain that I truly felt but chose to suppress in exchange for tough love.