For a long time I’ve been hanging by a thread. Only here to make my daughters life worth something. Tied here because her dad died of bronchial pneumonia whilst I was pregnant.
Now because I cannot even put food on the table for her, I am having to look for someone who is capable of doing so.
I will be so calm, happy and relieved, at the same time scared, worried and sick that my daughter will have to endure this life with someone she doesn’t know and without both of her parents.
I tried to get a job, none pay anymore. Job centre has full time jobs starting at £2 an hour. Benefits are less than what goes out.
I am unable to get a loan as I am nearly £5 in debt, not paying anything back as there is nothing to give.
I can’t breathe anymore. I look at my precious daughter and know she deserves the best. I am unable to provide the basics.
Asked for help and was prescribed antidepressants.
Nothing is helping or working.
Doctors, charities, psychiatrists, everyone is overworked, oversubscribed and underfunded.
I am more than stuck.
I decided tomorrow night is the night.
I am so sorry babes, I tried and failed, again and again.
You deserve the best. I promise I will look over you and I promise to hurt anyone who ever tries to hurt you.
I really want you to come with me darling, but that is a decision you have to make.
I wish I had the balls to have terminated the pregnancy when your dad died. I didn’t because you are his only child.
If I had of done, we would all be a happy family together.
I love you so much Darling. Please forgive me for not having the strength to fight anymore.
I love you immensely and you are the ONLY reason I managed to hold on for so long.
It isn’t fair to torture you with my insecurities. It is even more unfair for you to be holed up at home because I am going mad with walks, the park, the library, beach, doing jigsaws, painting, playing with bricks, all because there is no cash to do anything else.
That is my fault as well.
You are so intelligent and funny and loveable and loving, it breaks my heart to look at you knowing I can do nothing else.
I have to do this before they take you from me.
I am being selfish, as all I can do is feel. I feel so strongly I cannot breathe and I set my kidney pain off.
I don’t ever expect you to understand. I just want you to know I love you so much it really hurts.
Please please use me to make you stronger, not weak like me.
You are so much like your dad in your personality. Don’t ever lose that babes.
Loafs and loads and tonnes and tonnes of love
Mummy x
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3 comments
Im sorry that this is what it has come to…I hope you find peace and that your daughter is able to handle this..
I’m very sorry you’re pondering over taking your life, just so you can see your daughter being provided with the basic necessities. Please do not lose hope. I see you’re feeling guilt for not providing herself the basics. But what you intend to do is going to do more harm than good to her. What if the person she has to live with turns out to be insensitive and inconsiderate? Where’s she gonna go? Who’s she gonna talk to? Or worse, what if she follows in your footsteps?
In almost every nation, there are so many NGO’s working to help people like yourself. You could approach them? Or ask for money from any of your close friends, parents or brother/sister, wealthy acquaintances. Someone should be able to bail you out. Or at least, give some valuable advice as to how to deal with this.
Please, trust me, she would not give a damn if she had to sleep at night without eating anything, but she’d be broke if she lost her mother. And it’d not be temporary, but for a lifetime.
And I really hope you change your decision.
This is terribly sad to read. I know how it feels to be left holding the baby, I was a single mother too and had a severe mental illness. In the end my son went to foster care, he’s 18 now, still lives with foster parents. There’s little contact between us but he knows where I am. Please confide in someone. What you are planning can never ever be right, though I feel like a hypocrite because I’ve been contemplating suicide myself. My son may not need me immediately but none of us knows what the future holds. Can we try to stay strong together for our kids do you think?