Hi, so this is my first post. I stumbled across this website when i was googling how to cope with this world that i hate so much, all the answers were bogus and I think that this website will maybe make me feel more alive? Basically I’m very sad with reason, i guess? I know that people have it so much worse than i do, but that doesn’t excuse the fact that i want to commit suicide or leave society, which would lead to me being picked up by a middle-aged psychedelic man looking to fume me with drugs.
I want to runaway, and i have for about 3-4 years now. I’m 16 and watching the movie “into the wild” really made me open my eyes to what’s out there. Shortly after watching the movie, I had to buy the book. Excuse this paragraph for a minute.
I fucked up a few times, and i didn’t know that this would lead me to hating myself. I said things i shouldn’t have said to people that meant so much to me, but the truth is, I really do have a hard time coping and trying to deal with my anger and sadness. I feel like I have bi-polar disease. If someone does something very minor, it makes me very upset for long amounts of time and leads me to over-think and analyze the situation that i put myself through.
I lash out on everyone i love, and i push myself away when anyone tries to give me sympathy or compassion. I hate when people feel sorry for me, (like when people ask me what’s wrong, i sometimes scream and cry and ultimately lock myself in my bedroom) but i cant help it, even as much as i try to.
When i get sad i want to runaway and live away from society (refer back to para.2) and whenever i try, my boyfriend always saves me. Which i hate. You see, my boyfriend has cause me more problems than i can count. He’s 2 years older than me, and although i love him with my entire heart, i hate him so much. It all started when i met him in my guitar class. ( he was the only cute boy out of all my classes) and immediately i set my eyes onto him.
I had no excuse to talk to him, up until the day that i was in search of marijuana, and everybody was dry. I had heard around that he sold, and when he walked into class i could smell the pungent odor of the kush coming off of him. So,one of my very close friends urged me to ask him. I was so nervous, but it wasn’t actually that bad.
I started to buy weed from him regularly (he doesn’t deal with huge amounts, just very minor amounts)
So one saturday night, about 2 weeks after school started, i got invited to a hotel party. Me, being in grade 10, and everyone else there being in grade 12, it was kinda exciting/ nerve-wracking. To calm myself and make myself more comfortable, I started drinking the mickey of wisers deluxe whiskey (that my friend and i had split), when about after half-an-hour, i was wasted. I’d drank half the bottle and started throwing up in the bathroom.
My friend would check on me every so often, but she was too busy smoking her poppers and socializing with boys to help me or even mention the plan of leaving early. The only person who was really helping me, was the guy i met in the guitar class (his name will be john, for privacy). John held my hair for me, ensuring i didn’t get any puke in my hair, and at a few points he’d give me water and ask if i wanted anything from the vending machines down the hall.
He ended up getting me chips, and i was pretty happy until he tried pulling a move on me. ( by this time i was out of the bathroom and on my feet) i told him to wait 1000 years, then left the party with my friend. The next day, my friend filled me out on what happened and i was soo embarrassed to see him on monday. But when i got to school and saw him, he made no deal of what happened and carried on like it was nothing, i envied him for this and from then on, i thought something would blossom.
As months passed, him and I got closer and closer, I would invite him to come hangout at my friends houses with me, but never my own, and him and i would regularly get stoned together. My friends started getting mad at me, (i used to be inseperable with 3 very good friends, now i talk to none of them) and eventually time would tear us apart. I’d been hurt & lied to by my friends that i thought i would have forever, and that really made me open my eyes up the the truly cruel world.
One drunken night i went to a party with my friend, and John told my friend and i to come to his buddies, afterwards. We did, and once again my friend and him spent the night holding my hair for me. But at the end of the night, i went home with john. before then, i never really lost my virginity (well i did, but it didn’t really count since it only went in like once or twice)
By this point, we’d been “talking” for about 2 months. After he took me back to his place, we went to bed. He asked me if i wanted to yknow, do it, and i said yes, with hesitation. After that, we hungout more and more until we became boyfriend and girlfriend.
It was december 23rd when he was going to take me to a skiing resort, and pay for the whole thing for a night as part of my christmas present, when he left to go get some money. I went through his facebook messages to discover him hitting up many other girls. I was completely heart-broken, devastated and I just wanted to kill myself. I left his house bawling my eyes out, to walk 2 blocks to one of my bestfriend’s house. It was probably the most terrible night of my entire life.
about 2 days later i ended up getting back together with him. I was inlove with him, it was very hard to bear not being with him. I very much regretted that decision, because about 5 months later i caught him doing the exact same thing. My world came crashing down but of course i forgave him.
ever since then, my heart has been filled with sadness and emotions and i really don’t know what to do about it. He seems like he really loves me, but that’s what he said before. I’ve threatened breaking up with him more times than i can count, and i think that’s what really proves to me just how much he loves me. I want to break up with him, but i wouldn’t be able to stand seeing him with another girl. I’ve memorized his laugh and his eyes and just everything about him, but he fills my heart with such sadness.
He is the one who talks me out of leaving society, but i’ve never discussed my suicidal thoughts with him, because he just isn’t ready yet. So, in the end, my boy friend caused me to lose most of my best friends, he’s broken my heart a few times, and not only that, but he puts me in the worst moods, because whenever i look at him the only thing i can do is picture him asking another girl for nudes. (which he asked a bunch)
someone please give me advice. does it sound like i have bi-polar disease? my boyfriend causes me to want to kill myself, but i can’t leave him because at the same time he makes me so happy. i want answer, i want to know what anyone of you would do? please help