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by 1298

went to my first therapist session today. …

yeah i really can’t do this. i thought so seriously about killing myself afterwards. i mean, not more seriously than i have before. it’s just… i can never explain to anyone how this feels. i hate everything, and i try so fucking hard all the time to just get along
but i’m stupid, and i make mistakes, and everything is just so goddamn pointless and i never get any joy out of anything and i know people want me here now but i still don’t care, and i guess i hate myself for that, too, but what am i supposed to do?

i have a method but i’m not sure about timing, and i feel like i should try more but i also somewhat know this is inevitable and don’t even want to delay it any longer. i just want something to matter. i just want someone to care. to genuinely listen …

i’ve felt so useless and disgusting lately i thought i was going psychotic because i can’t get these images out of my head when i try to sleep. how the fuck am i supposed to explain this to anyone? also, it’s not like i’m going to be cured for my depression. and it’s not like life is ever going to have meaning. distractions only last so long

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Peradox 8/26/2014 - 11:34 pm

I feel you!! Nights are the fucking worst, all the noise from the real world is gone and all you have is your mind, and of course it plays fucking games with you and you have to suffer through the night. I don’t know the last time I’ve had a good night sleep.

1298 8/27/2014 - 12:07 am

do you ever get the feeling that the people in your life say they care but they secretly want you to just do it? like they have been waiting this whole time for you to just leave? i can’t live here anymore (or anywhere)

i think this weekend is my best option . wish me luck

sesshuswan 8/27/2014 - 12:15 am

I dont think anyone genuinely wants that. If you complain a lot, or seem like a burden, or keep threatening to kill yourself, they may get fed up of that. I can see that in my own life, but I don’t think that anyone normal would ever wish for you to just ‘do it’. That’s not the behaviour of a normal person, even someone who is tired of you and doesn’t really want you around.

I think you have to imagine who you might hurt if you did it. Who you would feel guilty about. I read somewhere that suicide is considered the same as murder because of the drastic effect that it has on those who are left behind. Even people you might not think of. Someone you smile at at the bus stop every day, maybe the guy in the newsagent who has a secret crush on you. By going, you affect these people’s lives.

sorry, not trying to talk you out of it, just generally musing. These are things I have been saying to myself too. I think, if you can recognise that you are thinking in a flawed way, even if you cant change it, or change your behaviour, this is a start. More people care about you and would miss you than you realise, and even for people who dont care about you, you will impact their lives too. The person who finds you, the coroner, the child who reads about it in a local newspaper etc

1298 8/27/2014 - 12:27 am

i don’t complain about it, ever. no one knows i want to , nor that i’ve tried in the past. they would be shocked, awed, and amazed, i’m sure. people are really fucking oblivious. but i can’t help feeling like a burden no matter what.

i know people would care.
the problem is, do i? i’ve given so much… i’m pretty sure i have nothing left.

then again, i’ve said that before. also, it takes a lot to kill yourself. i want to just bleed to death but that’s ridiculous. for some reason i’ve always wanted to die slowly and painfully though, just so i can enjoy the fact that i’m finally leaving. because i know once i’m dead, i’ll feel nothing.

POSGarbage 8/27/2014 - 12:55 am

I know what I’m about to say will probably mean nothing, because I’m just some random internet stranger. However, I really would like you to read this. I’m not going to say I know what you’re going through, because to be honest, I don’t. I know what being suicidal is like, but I don’t know how it feels to go through your specific situation.

However, I would just like you to consider this. Is this how you want to go out? I mean, basically you have two options here:

1. Go through with your aforementioned plan.
2. Stop, take a step back, and think about what you could miss out on. I mean, what if you are able to prove yourself wrong and do something great? What if you get married and have a wonderful family? Heck, what if you just happen to save a random person’s life someday? These are all possible things that you could do if you stay.

Plus, if you were to go out this way, you won’t be doing yourself any justice. You may think you are at the time, but no one like you deserves to go out that way. You deserve a better end than this. Not only that, but you still have shit to take care of. Every life has meaning. Your’s is just a bit more mysterious. You know what that makes you? Special. We need special people in the world. Please don’t let us down.

Thank you for reading this. I hope that I have been somewhat helpful.

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