“And ever has it been known that love knows not its own depths until the hour of separation.”-Khalil Gibran
Today has been a heart-wrenching day. I woke up knowing it was the 2 month mark of when my little brother took his life. It has been a devastating loss that has shattered my world. He is a part of my soul and always has been and I feel tremendous loss.
And then I received an email this morning from a dear friend known here as Iamzero, stating that he was sorry but that he could not go on any longer and wished me thanks and love. Love for so many right til the end, just as my brother had. So compassionate. I am grateful for both of their words and their kind hearts.
I tried to reach him but he deleted all his accounts on here and email. So I do not know for certain, but if he has left, I wish him all the comfort and peace his loving soul deserves. I know my brother will welcome him as a brother. And if you are still out there somewhere, Kevin, if that is your name, it is never too late. You are not alone. Come to me. Contact me and I will find a way to bring you to me and surround you with people who are loving and understanding. I’m so sorry for the pain you have carried and you deserve so much.
Some of you may have seen Iamzero and I corresponding. We had many in depth conversations from our hearts and from our pain. Our words reached each other on a level that I haven’t been able to communicate with others before. His life, his story, his words, his heart, were that of a truly courageous individual who has faced so much sorrow. Someone who was so intelligent, who had so much insight to offer. I wish he could have told his story to the world and maybe comforted those who have felt devastating loss as he had. I know he comforted me.
My brother was the same way. An amazing light. Extremely intelligent, a visionary writer, and felt emotions to his core. Such good-hearted men who cared deeply for others and left the world far too soon. In such a cruel world, we need people like them.
And the world is amidst a wake-up call. With Robin Williams’ passing, more people are realizing the truth about depression and suicide. So with all the pain and heartbreak, I have hope that more people will understand that this affects so many in this world that we may not even realize, and we need to speak more openly about it. We all need to have compassion and understanding for all of humankind, and to help each other. We are all here together. I hope you all know how loved and special you are in your own ways. No one else is you. And the things we all feel, there is someone who can relate. So know you are not alone. I wish everyone here peace.
And to my brother and friend I will miss you both tremendously, remember you always, and carry you deep in my heart. I will use your stories to help anyone I can and I am so grateful to have had the chance to have you in my life. Thank you AnxietyGardener for also offering great suggestions and compassion and also Seppuku for the kind words. Much love and comfort everyone.
I dedicate this song to my brother and to Iamzero. This is the only version that would let me post from my phone, but I think the words express so much. The only thing I would change at the end of the song is that I will not forget you. Not ever. Everyone we come in contact with in this life makes a mark on us in some way, even in some of the briefest moments.
“Without You” by Breaking Benjamin
26 comments
I am sorry iamzero. You are extremely intelligent. I have read alot of your posts. I will miss you.
I haven’t been on SP long and didn’t know Iamzero well. I hope he finds peace and is at last free.
I already miss iamzero/Kevin. He did seem very determined on his course of action. I really appreciated his posts here.
Jasonsbigsis, I listened to the song, it’s not normally my type of music but I could hear the passion and sadness in it. I see from that and from your words, that you are a battler and you too are very determined. In your case you are determined to live, to grow from this terrible experience, to comfort others and to lend them your hard-won insight.
The exchange you had with iamzero was important and special, and I felt privileged to witness it. Maybe he just couldn’t bear to continue the contact, here or by email (he was such a sensitive person) or maybe he is gone. Either way it goes without saying really. I wish him peace from the bottom of my heart.
Thank you seppuku for your kind words as always. You have an eye for things. That is exactly how I feel, and I am glad you witnessed our exchange. And thank you for being a part of it. It was special to me and I’m deeply saddened.
Rest in peace.
And so it goes.
I only read one or two posts by Iamzero. He knew truth and knew how to express it. I don’t know.
so it goes
He definitely did.
Even though I never knew him I will still pay respects.
Rest in peace Iamzero. From what I hear you had insights into the world I could only dream of. How I wish I could have spoken to you but once..
Here’s to hoping you find solace in your place of rest.
Isa
Iamzero…..:'(
RIP Iamzero
I never got to give Iamzero/Kevin a proper goodbye, so I guess I must do so here, in the very place where we had met. So pardon this eulogy.
—————
I only knew Iamzero/Kevin for less than a week, but in that briefest of time, he became one of the closest people in my life. Although I tried to convince him otherwise, I knew his days were numbered. I just wish I had one more day to speak with him. Just one more day. I know it’s a ridiculously cliché thing to say, but I literally expected at least one more day to talk to him before he left.
I had just finished responding to him via email when I learned of his passing. And I couldn’t (and cannot) believe how painful it was to learn of his loss. What made it so terrible was the lack of closure. We were literally in a conversation before it was abruptly interrupted in the most painful of ways. I was really counting on having at least another 24 hours to see him off and wish him well one last time.
Iamzero had planned on traveling overseas to end it all with other like-minded individuals. His flight was scheduled for this Friday. But instead, upon very belatedly learning of the very recent death of a very well known public figure, he decided to check out early. It made him feel less alone. He didn’t want to die alone.
I don’t believe in God, the eternal soul, or the afterlife, but if these things exist I hope he knows that he was loved and appreciated, and that he will be sorely missed.
Kevin, if you can hear me out there somewhere, know that I love you. Your life had so much value. If I could have traded my life for yours, I would have gladly done so, it would have been a bargain. I will never forget you.
May you find the peace in death that eluded you in life. May the last embrace of the mother welcome you home. You will not be forgotten. ‘Til all are One.
Your friend,
AnxietyGarden
Please read.
Thank you all for your thoughts. Beautiful words AnxietyGardener. I feel such despair for my brother and for him and for all the suffering that is out there. I was hoping that maybe he was out there somewhere, traveling to Europe. That maybe this could reach him. But do you know for sure he decided not to go there AnxietyGardener? Oh how my heart aches for him.
Every morning since losing my brother, I look into the mirror and ask myself, “How can this be?” I feel the pain in my heart and in the pit of my stomach. The tears come to my eyes.
I was praying, hoping that Kevin was out there still. I feel sick. He had the most beautiful words and touched my heart deeply. I’m glad I have a record of our conversation, which I can send to you AnxietyGardener. I hope that he found comfort knowing that we thought of him and will do so always.
I hope Kevin wouldn’t mind that I had reached out to my cousin who just opened her own therapist practice the night before Kevin emailed me. She is an extremely compassionate and non judging individual who has been through a lot. She lived her life without the ability to hear and felt very isolated from the world. So I felt comfortable in sharing Kevin’s story with her, and she too saw what I saw. Her heart broke at his words and she saw how wonderful he was at writing. She invited me and him if we were open to the idea, to write some articles about suicide and our lives, that maybe through our experiences and stories of love and loss, we could reach others out there. I reached out to her for her knowledge. For me, all I had to offer was my heart and my own experiences. To let him know I cared and thought of him. She told me that with all the “therapies” he tried, none of them would work unless his first need was met. To have quality time and meaningful interactions with others. He needed people in his life. The loneliness took him. And I wish we could have met and written our stories to help others. I wish I had one more day as well, AnxietyGardener. There are people who care, but these pains often go unseen. I couldn’t even see it in my own brother, which I will have to live with forever. So this is why I want to spread the word, so that more people have knowledge and understanding. With that understanding, the caring hearts can reach out to one another.
So it pains me that he is gone… I was hoping he wasn’t, but as I told AnxietyGardener, after I received that email and frantically tried to reach him and mourned his loss, I stepped outside and it was raining. The same thing happened the day of my brother’s funeral. And later, as I sat by my brother’s grave alone and cried out to him, the rains were heavier and then stopped. The sun came out and the most beautiful, full rainbow appeared above me. I know not everyone believes the same things about the world, the universe, the afterlife. And I respect everything that people believe and feel within them. I wasn’t even sure what I believed within myself. But I can tell you, for me, I know that that moment I had at his grave, was my brother without a doubt. These things are all connected somehow and I wish them both and everyone here all the comfort and peace in the world. I cannot bear this pain in my heart. But I must. For my brother and for him and for anyone that might be helped by their stories. I will never forget.
I had seen this poem in the beginning of speaking with Kevin, and it struck me. He is the caged bird. So painful. And I know he couldn’t see any other way to get out of the cage. I was hoping that I and others here could give him a hand at opening the cage. I always wish there was more time. Suicide is so devastating because there is always so much left unsaid. I wish I had more time with my brother. I truly feel that there was something that could have been done if only there was more time. And it is so disheartening that I lost my brother, and now a dear friend who was a brother in spirit, no matter how briefly I knew him. The night I had seen this poem, Kevin spoke to me of the birds at his farm. When I see a hummingbird again, I know it will be from him.
“I Know Why the Caged Bird Sings”
The free bird leaps
on the back of the wind
and floats downstream
till the current ends
and dips his wings
in the orange sun rays
and dares to claim the sky.
But a bird that stalks
down his narrow cage
can seldom see through
his bars of rage
his wings are clipped and
his feet are tied
so he opens his throat to sing.
The caged bird sings
with fearful trill
of the things unknown
but longed for still
and his tune is heard
on the distant hill
for the caged bird
sings of freedom
The free bird thinks of another breeze
and the trade winds soft through the sighing trees
and the fat worms waiting on a dawn-bright lawn
and he names the sky his own.
But a caged bird stands on the grave of dreams
his shadow shouts on a nightmare scream
his wings are clipped and his feet are tied
so he opens his throat to sing
The caged bird sings
with a fearful trill
of things unknown
but longed for still
and his tune is heard
on the distant hill
for the caged bird
sings of freedom.
Maya Angelou
Kevin: “Lots and lots of love to you.”
May you rest in peace and know how loved you are.
And to my brother, I will love you forever.
Until we meet again.
Rip, Iamzero… 🙁
Really nice poem, could be a song that really!
As soon as I saw this thread I was fairly sure I remembered Iamzero (who wasn’t really zero) saying something that I could relate to hugely, it also ties up with a very strong theory
of mine. I wasn’t quite sure if it was him so i went back through the pages to check and yes indeed it was. On the 10th of august (4 days ago) he said ‘ I couldn’t get a girl if I had a wad of cash, so I wouldn’t know what it feels like being cheated on or walked out on after 6 years’
Now it appears to me that he has felt a similar, extremely unwarranted and unnecessary pain as I have… Yet another decent guy who lives his life alone with the feeling of being unwanted and unloved (which makes you feel like you are zero) .. and why? Because we lack a kind of personality trait? .. Because we’re lonely and struggling in life to much to be acceptable to a girl?
Because we have feelings and don’t have what it ‘takes’ to smash through a women’s resistance?
I don’t know IamNOTzero personally but I do know the pain and emptiness of being cast out of a women’s vaginal mind -it does awful things to a man… We are MADE to reproduce, we are made in a sexual way and our hearts are related to that, our whole being really is and when you can’t be the thing that you were created to be IT HURTS. When girl after girl deems you as nothing from the very start you start to feel that right in the centre of your heart. And THAT’s why guys
who can not get a girl kill themselves ..eventually. its a very common thing that women just don’t understand. Little wander is it that this good guys killed himself, what would you do if you couldn’t be what you were created to be? And had no hope of being so? It means that are incomplete, it means that you are being wasted, it means that your manhood is nullified.
Let me ask you this, Do you think that IamNOTzero was not good enough or worthy enough to ‘get a girl’?? NO. in fact I’m willing to bet that it was the opposite.
Do you think Iamnotzero will find his sex life or his love life after he is dead? No! As far as I’m concerned he was ROBBED of that in his life by women who can not see what’s true and learn to
love men properly for the good things that they are – even if they’re not perfect to your eyes they STILL deserve love.
Womens value has rocketed high above mens in a way that cripples men, some men, usually the decent ones in my humble opinion like Iamnotzero end up living a life like he did, no sex life, no love life, no chance of marriage and no chance of having kids. No chance of enjoying that ‘physical touch’ which is a big big human need. That’s a BIG part of life to not be able to have and i know how much it kills you inside.
I could write more on this, in fact I’m thinking of setting up some kind of blog, but in the mean time this is iamnotzero’s page (because he wasnt really zero now was he!)
I didn’t know you very well iamnotzero but you were not alone in your sufferings, trust me on that. Peace my man, peace.
I suppose in this world its deemed as ‘good’ to not really care, but the fact is if it go’s on for a long time and you hit a brick wall in life you do care, and i am sure iamzero cared too, its probably a part of the reason he has ended his life. I think if the day ever comes where women treat men like we treat them they’ll be a lot less male suicides happening, and people like Iamzero could actually have something that brings a bit of happiness into their lives… and that’s GOT to help hasn’t it.
Yes DaySleeper, I completely agree. Thank you for your thoughts. I love how you say IamNOTzero because that is so true. I thought the same thing. He was definitely someone of worth. I saw that in him, in the way he wrote, and wrote to me. I know he cared and would probably have found some peace if he could have fulfilled his desires for companionship. People need each other and that’s that. We need that compassion, understanding, acceptance, and loving embrace. We need to feel we are a part of something meaningful and are everything in the eyes of someone besides ourselves, whether it be family, friends, or a partner. But yes, a love interest for that special connection and bond. And if you have none of them, like Kevin (IamNOTzero), who lost his parents and lived alone, with rare contact to his brother, oh I feel such sorrow and pain for him. It makes us feel validated as human beings. And we also need to love ourselves. I think that is a big part of whether others validate us. Also, I just added this part as I was thinking… Along with finding that sense of meaningful interaction or whatever is our main need, we still must continue on our journey of healing, because even if you are surrounded by lots of loving people, that pain is still within and must be treated. It is a fight, and it is possible. Just thoughts.
He once told me he had done the whole dating thing, meeting people in classes, setups, online, etc. and that he was done trying. I believe I also saw him post on a thread that he had been cheated on 4 times. So terrible. That’s something I don’t understand. If you don’t want to be with someone why don’t you respect what connection you did have and end it? To spare someone’s feelings? Because it will hurt a lot worse when they find out the betrayal to that connection and friendship that was shared at least at one point. I hope more people can start to see these things. There are those that do and those that don’t.
I feel the pain in your words and I feel this is how my brother felt as well. It pains me that he couldn’t find someone, when he was so loving. They both deserved that meaningful interaction, as do you. Everyone does. It is difficult to understand. My brother took a girl on a date and about a month later she started dating a guy who is worthless. I saw a facebook post where he referred to her as his “main *****.” Wow, my brother would never say that and especially not post it on social media. So I am so sorry to them and to you, that this has eluded you and is so deserved. There are good women and bad women, good men and bad men, but we are all on a journey of self-discovery. And I hope the ones that deserve happiness, get it. I hope all the caring hearts find each other and are able to soften the hearts of those who aren’t as loving and kind. I am very saddened by all of this. I wish you peace DaySleeper. I really appreciate your insights and I think your blog would be a wonderful project. Let me know if you start it.
I haven’t been on here for a few days so couldn’t reply to this sooner. I think in my experience a lot of women don’t actually see being treated well as a reason for being with someone, neither a loving personality or a caring heart. I had a ‘friend’ once who referred to his girlfriend (who was actually quite nice) as his ‘hole’ lol. I think she will still be with him now as she ended up having his kid. on the most part guys who get girls are continually getting girls and in my experience it is the ones who really aren’t very nice and don’t really respect women at all. They’re usually the kind of guys who aren’t good friends, untrustworthy liars.
I will be creating a blog and have started writing material for it but it will be about many different subjects and i haven’t ever done a blog before so it might be a bit of a learning curve, so could take a bit of time. If you want to throw me an email and talk some more you can do if you like .. darkmark777 (at) gmail (dot) com
Any confirmation that he is dead? I myself disabled email accounts before when I wanted to isolate myself and didn’t want people to write, ask how I was etc.
I have been hoping hoping that may be the case. If it is, I will do everything I can to help him. AnxietyGardener and I both received emails from him that says he is leaving though, that he couldn’t go on any longer. So we can’t be for certain because we have no way of knowing where he lived or who his brother was, but I haven’t seen anything online. I’ve been checking. I really wish I could reach his brother.
I am so sorry for your brother too. 🙁
Thank you lonelyplatypus. I really appreciate it. He was a beautiful person and so close to my heart. It is heartbreaking without him here. And if Kevin is gone, I wish I could reach his brother or go to his funeral because I know the feeling of losing a brother and to pay respects to a wonderful person 🙁
In the last couple of weeks I have been talking a lot to both Iamzero and Aeterna, who always wrote great answers to my threads… It breaks me to have lost them.
I am so sorry. I didn’t know about Aeterna 🙁 He was very kind-hearted as well. Such good people. It kills me. I wish I could take everyone’s suffering away. I know that everyone here is a beautiful soul, that sees things and feels so so much.
i talked to Aeterna 3 days ago on skype i think. He was such a nice person, understanding, thoughtful… Loved the cat emoticon too that he used alot. :3 Wish i had gotten to know him and iamnotzero more. But i did read their conversations on here. I miss them both
I am sorry 🙁 It is sad that the most thoughtful, compassionate people have such sorrow in their hearts. I’m glad that you were able to know him a little bit and I hope they felt comfort from everyone here, knowing that they weren’t alone. I am grateful for my interactions here.
hi, does anyone know for sure that he is gone? just saw a reply he made to ‘current thoughts’ was thinking if i want to say sth n wanted to know more n ended up seeing this post… will have to talk to him if he is still alive i really hope so, really.