countless cigarett and broken thoughts, and here I am again. Awake in the dead of night, alone in the darkness. It’s quite scary actually, the things you can get used to. My thoughts are running wild…my thoughts are running deep. I can never run away from the way I truly feel. The days are okay, I just run on rutin. Breath in, breath out, go to school, eat,drink, speak. Life is just a habit, I just do the things I need to do. Don’t think. Don’t feel. I’m shut down. I’m disconnected. My life is my rutin. It’s weird how little remains of me.
I do the things I must, I don’t even think. Why not? You have a life and you live it.
But Im just a rutin. I’m not even a human being. There’s no loss if there’s no life. I’ve shut down. And soon, I will die.
I guess I’m just ungrateful. I mean everything’s been given to me. I got a privileged life. Silver spoon up my ass, a lot of things have been handed to me. Many people would kill to be in the position I’m in.
But my days are empty, I don’t give a shit about anything. And I have everything. But nothing matters to me. Nothing has substance when you do not feel. I guess I’m just an asshole.
4:am… And I’m all alone. The feelings I shut out comes beaming into my skull. I can’t get them out. Screaming at me. Human waste in the day, roming around not achieving shit. Existing is what I do best. But all alone at 4 am I am myself. I see myself, and what I am. A monster at best. I hate myself more than I can explain. I absolutely loath what I’ve become. I am my own worst enemy. Nothing I have done in my entire life has been to any value for the world. My impact is 0 on the universe. I’m a ghost alredy. And I’m not even dead!
And I feel so tired. I’m so tired. Not just because I lack sleep… My entire being is exhausted. I’m tired in the soul. I’m tired of existing. I need to rest so bad, I wish I could give myself a break. But I can’t. The emptiness is constant, and the hopelessness is always lurking nearby. I can’t get a rest, because I can’t get away. All of these feelings have become a part of me. Self destruction is what it is. My own mind is killing me.
I hate me.
And when I die, when people are grieving me… I’ll be the only one at blame. I will die though I never lived. I will die without ever finding what I am looking for. I will die, like everybody else. I’ll die by my own hands. I’ll get to kill that *****… Me. What a waste of time, what a waste of life. 18 years of nothing.
But it’s not a great loss really, I mean what else could my life bring? I know that I’ll just keep to my routines if I keep living. Day by day, doing nothing. I am nothing, and never will be. I’m stuck in a rout and I’m never getting out. This is my life. When I grow up I will be nothing at all. And that would be OK with me if it meant I could feel…more then nothing at all while doing it.
But honestly sugar, you could tell me my life will turn out a magical fairytale world, filled with happiness, magic,love or whatever my heart desired. It wouldn’t change a thing. I just… I can’t take it anymore. I’ve tried for so long. I feel so worn out. I can’t take it much longer. I just can’t hold to the hope that someday, I will feel happiness once more. Chasing something I do not know if I can ever find. I just can’t do it. I’m so tired, too keep on breathings been my task for so Long now. A task that’s getting harder for each breath I take.
I’m just tired of my life, my rutin. But I guess ill take it one breath at a time, because soon enough I won’t have to get up for another one. Until then repeat, repeat, repeat.