Another day, another reason to live.
Another way, another reason I give.
Today is my Mother’s birthday. It’s also another day where I have changed my mind about ending my life. All the wheels were set in motion, all of the plans were made. Then I was reminded of what today was. I worry about what my death will do to my mother on a normal day, but I can’t use her birthday. So today is just another failed attempt.
It was so peaceful this week, planning everything leading up to today. Now that I know I have to live on another day my world has come crashing down again. I haven’t gotten out of bed in almost 24 hours, I’ve had 4 or 5 panic attacks, I have approximately 80 new cuts on my chest, and still I can’t stop feeling.
I don’t want to find another reason to live. I want to find another day to start planning for. I don’t want to end up in my 60’s, having dealt with these feelings over and over again for my whole life, just because I kept finding another reason to go on.
3 comments
Life is a harsh misteress
Honestly, I’m happy youre alive. And I prefer to think of it as a failed attempt from death to take your beautiful and selfless life. Because you’re beautiful. Especially for honoring your mother.
Hey Kram, I’m glad you’re still here. Can I ask if you are getting help? I know that you probably don’t want to, but trust me that what you are facing is horrific and you can be helped – you are where you are today, so why not give it a try to improve your life so it can become better? Put the blades away and start living life as it should have been from the beginning. I don’t know much about who you are, obviously, but you deserve to get help and to get better; you really can. It’s not easy, but once you start getting help it can make a world of difference. If not for yourself, but for your family and friends – get the help you deserve and start healing the wounds life has opened up. Life seems really dark and fucked up without release, but that is just the distorted perception that depression gives you. I hope you take care of yourself, because you are worth it. If I weren’t constrained by the boundaries of the internet, I’d probably be hugging you right now. Keep yourself safe, okay? If you’re having trouble, ask your friends for help and maybe suggest group treatment if you know anyone who faces similar problems. Please keep the blades away from your skin – think of the people who care about you and want you to get better. If you can’t resist, just keep them in your mind. Remember that you are loved.
– From a fellow fucked up individual.