I’m back, again. Most of you don’t remember me. It’s been 2 years since I last posted. Time has not been easy on me. I have a lot of changes, big changes coming up in my life in the next couple of weeks. Already, I have gone through several big ones, like losing many friends and my therapist, who were the only people I had to support me. Now I’m down to one friend that is constantly there for me, though he has major problems of his own. I feel like I’m losing every single thing that means something to me in my life.
My 18th birthday arrives in exactly a month. Every one expects me to look forward to it, just like I should be proud of graduating high school. But the truth is, I’m terrified. I only see my future as holding more hurt for me. Why should I be excited to grow up and be pushed into things that will only hurt me further? Why should I be happy that the only good things I’ve seen are gone, and I can never get them back?
I am naturally someone who tried to help people, even at my own expense. Tonight, I was trying to help my friend with a problem he was having, and since I had bad experiences with it, it was only hurting me. He didn’t ask me why I told him I was hurting, just said ok. So now I’m stuck with this pain, and no one to share it with any more.
9 comments
Hello – 2 years ago I was just lurking and reading, not posting.
I’m sorry you’re feeling so shitty and I hope you can share stuff here.
Thanks for replying. It always warms my heart a bit to see someone cares
Want to talk about the pain that your friend’s issue triggered? Triggers are awful…
It’s just awful.. I can’t stop the memories that are making me hurt.. memory after memory is making me flinch and ripping a new thread of pain through me…
Flashbacks huh 🙁
Believe it or not, you *can* overcome those ratfuckers. It took me till I was round 40 to do so, I really hope you can get a head start on it.
My CBT counsellor at the time said I would have to actively push them away. What worked for me over time, was this – as soon as it happened, I would start to unleash total raging, screaming mental violence. I’d imagine bombs and guns and air strikes and screams and karate kicks. Eventually I could just avert them without much thought.
Idk what would work for you – and it isn’t fast or perfect – but ohhhh my fucking god, Katie it really helps. Major relief – and you can do it too.
Erm I’m on meds too, but I don’t think those ever helped the triggers – they hit the other problems I guess. I suppose they help them indirectly.
And dawg is right – we don’t have to keep watching that stuff – it really doesn’t help.
Hi KB … just wanted to remind you that you are remembered even though many of us “veterans” here have drifted away or have had life generally get in the way of our participation here.
Try to remember that no matter what your memories are … they are still only memories … like reruns on TV – a show you’ve seen before and can “watch” as often or as little as you “choose”. Memories are important to remind us of mistakes or situations we once faced and to learn from. Like reviewing a school textbook when we can’t remember an answer. Memories can also serve to remind us of better happier times and remind us that they are possible. But one important thing to remember is, we don’t HAVE to replay the emotional “soundtrack” that comes with the memory – we don’t HAVE to relive the moment – good or bad – because it is a past moment and the emotion with it is not “real” – the emotion from the past does not actually apply to our current situation (unless we let it – and sometimes it can be beneficial to do so, but when it’s not beneficial, we should hit the “mute” button on it in our brain).
No number of “replays” of a memory can change how it “ends” – like an old movie we’ve seen a million times, it always ends the same – it never changes. The only options we have is whether to “watch” it one more time or not.
rerun dawg
I’m my case, it kinda does still apply to me..
That just sounds a bit silly. I just try to distract myself from them by listening to music..
Don’t laugh at me … those things wrecked so much of my life. And I was just trying to help.