he wishes i was dead and so do i

He’s stood by my side through my depression, went above and beyond, more than anyone else would ever even think about. He stayed with me after my last attempt and tried to get me help. I can’t explain how much i owe him. Now though I’m nothing more than a burden. He see’s me as a parasite and i can see it in his eyes when he’s angry hed love nothing more than to squash me like one. Or if i just dropped dead everything would be ok for him, everything would be better. I’ve been on meds for a year now and they have helped somewhat. I still feel like i want to die, or at least i feel like it would be so much easier to than to see the hatred and contempt in his eyes, the loathing in his voice every day. I’ve gone back to praying to die in my sleep, i know it sounds ridiculous but this is when it started to get bad the last time. I’m afraid i might not have the strength to cope again. i certainly no longer have the love and support i had before. I don’t know what to do but I cant go on like this and I have nowhere else to turn. I never wanted to burden him or disappoint him but now it feels like i can’t do anything right. Every action i take leads to verbal assault. The worst of it is most of what he says is true. He has my motives wrong but i am a perpetual fuck up. the world would be a better place without me but true to form im too chicken shit to actually act on it.