Help. Please.

I’ve always been a sensitive emotional girl. I’m specifically 14 years old, but not quite like the typical ‘hormone-raged’ teen. At least I don’t think so. My family has always been considerably distant, and I’ve always been the odd one out. My entire family tree, every single relative, was born in China except for me. I’m also a generation younger than everyone else. Why is that? Well…

My parents lived in China, during the Cultural Revolution, which really had an impact upon their life. They never had a regular life. After the Cultural Revolution, they had my sister. My family was very poor, and barely made much money, but my dad was and still is a smart and hardworking man. After several years, he managed to get a job in the US. That’s when they had me. By that time, my sister was already in high school when I was born. Now she’s almost 30, being that she is 16 years older than me. She has a husband. She lives in a different place than me. When I was born, my first language was english. I could barely communicate with my family, other than my sister, so my mom dad and I moved to Shanghai, China.

I managed to learn mandarin, and become fluent at it. I didn’t have any friends at all until 2nd grade when I met my best friend. She brought joy to me. She was just like me, and understood my situation. She was the only person that really got me, as my parents and I just couldn’t truly bond. I was happy. So very happy. Perhaps my memories are playing a trick on me, but I know that my best friend become my world. Until she left. I was once again alone. Oh we still kept in contact, even today, but it’s so lonely. As I grew, I became attached to my school. There are flaws, but I still loved it. I love and hate my school. So now that I’m moving on to high school, my parents had ultimately decided to have me go back to the US, and I agreed. It’s only logical that I get used to the true american way of teaching, so that college would be easier for me. However I now regret it.

It’s been over a month since I’ve lived in the US, and every day I constantly think of my true home, Shanghai. Don’t get me wrong here, USA is a lovely country. But Shanghai is where I belong now. I’m going to a new school now, that placed me in ESOL 4 and Algebra despite the fact that I already passed both. My first language is English for heaven’s sake! I feel so idiotic and useless here. All of my ‘childhood friends’ that I never talked to have straight A’s without even trying. I’m in a summer school at the moment, taking Geometry and 9th grade English. All the other kids around me are at least a year younger than me, but far more smart than me. What is this? Why can’t I be smart? I always multi-task, but I’m no idiot. In fact, back in Shanghai, I was praised as a very smart person. I had mostly A’s and a few B’s. That, to me, is very good and did take me a lot of effort. Straight A’s? Only one single student in my grade has that back in Shanghai. Here? Everyone I know has straight A’s. Except for me.

I am suicidal, and trust me, in my head I’ve died so many times. I’ve thought of ways to kill myself. Jump off a building? No, too painful and I still have a chance of surviving only to lose my leg. Hanging myself? I heard it’s too painful. I came into a conclusion that sleeping pills would do the trick. Yes, I’m so useless and weak that I fear pain. Cutting myself? Hah, I put a knife at my throat and then chickened out. Instead, I use my scissor. It makes my arm feel numb, and the marks disappear after a couple of minutes. I’ve become so reliant on my computer, that I rarely go outside unless my parents force me to (which is still quite frequent). Still, I’m no anti-social depressing person on the outside. No, many people seek advice from me, whether it’s about dating or just because they’re sad. Let me get this straight though, I have never dated before. Not really. But the fact that I can be empathetic, makes me a considerably good therapist. I think so.

The reason why I’m alive right now is because I want to live. Why? I want to go on more adventures. I want to have my first kiss. I want to hang out with my friends more often, even though they’re all in a different continent. I want to get married someday. But the torture is so painful, I’m not sure whether my will to live will be enough for me to overcome it. I can’t help but compare myself to others. How successful they are. How not successful I am. My dad is an amazing person, and wealthiest at that since the rest of my family tree is stuck in a (really) poor part of China. My sister basically has her life set. Now I just worry about myself. No not them, they don’t give me stress. Not a lot. But I do. I can’t help it. I stress and worry. But I don’t do anything about it. Even right now I’m supposed to research about my new school, and get everything set. I’m supposed to do so much stuff. But I don’t want to. Is this just hormones messing my brain and I don’t even realize it? I sure am complicated. I hate being a teenager. Because I’m not even sure if what I’m feeling is real or not. I’m stupid. But then I think of myself as a smart person. I’m useless. But then I think about all the people I’ve helped. I have no pride. But then I think about all the achievements I’ve made throughout life. I need to talk to more people. But then I think about how outgoing I am in school. I’m just going through a phase. But then I think that this isn’t actually a phase. I want to kill myself. But I want to live.

I don’t know anymore.

I want my carefree childhood, where even though everyone once ignored me I still smiled.

Or is that just my memories tricking me?

I don’t know.

Thank you for reading this if you did.

(P.S- Do I happen to have a split personality disorder? I tend to act quite differently often, and I’m very indecisive… Ah well, maybe I’m just like everyone else being complicated.)