I’ve decided that night time often is the worst time of day for me. How cliché – the worst comes with the darkness. I don’t like the dark. I’m sat in it now, with the dim light of my laptop illuminating my typing fingers and not much else. I try to familiarise myself with it, to know that I’m safe in my room when it’s dark just as much as when there is light.
I don’t know why this fear came back. Honestly, I do not understand, I got over my fear of the dark when I was a kid… but this past year or so, it’s just come back, with a vengeance. I don’t know… it’s like there are things in the dark, that are just waiting for me, and I don’t know what they are, or what they want. Like.. the monsters in my head spill out and come to life when it’s dark – they are exactly like thoughts, I can never see them but I feel their presence. I know they are there but if I try to touch them they will disappear. Always lingering. Never seeing. It’s so human to be afraid of the unknown, isn’t it? I’ve always hated not knowing.
I guess I could blame it on horror movies and games? I have an odd sort of fascination with the horror genre – I hate watching and playing, but I am oddly intrigued by the dark and often twisted backstories – urban legend, creepypasta’s, top ten lists. Really just gruesome fuel for the imagination, I really should stop. But I like to know what is real, and what isn’t. But sometimes I can’t decide if what I’m reading is true or not.
The fear though, I know that’s real. It’s a crippling fear… god, it’s so cold. It paralyses me. Locks me down in my own body so I can’t move, I can’t speak, I struggle to breathe. It doesn’t happen often, thank goodness. But when it does my body isn’t my own, I’m trapped in a lifeless, icy rock and I can’t move for the fear. The warmth from my body will just.. leave, suddenly, it’s what I remember most of all. The cold.
My mind will whisper all the things that could happen to me, of all the things out to get me, that I deserve what’s lurking in the dark… that I should embrace it and let it take me away. I am irrational in these times, and it’s only when I fall to sleep in a terrified, fitful exhaustion that I get peace once more. In the wake of the morning light I laugh at myself for being so silly.Things aren’t out to me in the dark, because I have woken up in my room safe every morning. I’ve been in all sorts of darkness and I’ve always come out safe, I am alive. But then there is always that thought. Do I want to be alive?
It’s been a day of up’s and downs today, for me. I met up with my ex-boyfriend for a friendly chat, and it was… nice and awful at the same time. He told me about his girlfriend, and how her family are so open, and how he’s been invited on holiday abroad with them next year – even though they’ve only been together for a couple of months. He was never comfortable with my family, not really – and I wasn’t with his. They were friendly enough on the surface and I believed them to be good people but.. I felt like I was being judged… I didn’t quite fit in their posher than thou lives.
My ex’s girlfriend isn’t very well right now, and I feel bad for her because she’s actually my friend – she’s going into hospital and my ex is going to look after her when she’s bedridden. He cares about her. I’m happy for him yet… I feel this sickness inside when he talks about her. I don’t feel that way for him anymore, I believe that with all my heart. I love him in a way I want him to be happy, maybe like a brother? I just… I don’t know – he found someone else so quickly and I’m left alone. Maybe I’m petty and jealous? I don’t want to be this way but I am.
I am this way about the dark, about being alone, about twisted backstories and about him. I just.. am this way. This is me. It’s not all I am, but it’s parts of me that… I wish I could change. It’s not the darkest part of me, because that lies in my brain, never in slumber but never fully awake – it’s just one little collection of thoughts that feeds off my mind like a parasite, that takes my fear and my hate for myself and my sadness and twists it around into a want. Sometimes it feels like a need. Like I need to get off this earth. I need to disappear. But that’s just that way I am.