I can’t fix me,

I just mess everything up for myself, I don’t know why I cant just make the right choices for once in my life. I’m clinging on to an ex, hooking up telling him I love him still that I want him to be happy even if it isn’t with me. But I havent let go I can’t and I don’t understand why he won’t let go either. I over think it and wonder if maybe because this time I’m suppose to be strong enough on my own to let go. But I can’t just thinking about it rips me up from the inside out. But I know that I probably couldn’t ever be with him again especially now after everything thats happened. And yet despite knowing that I still don’t let go and I’m not sure if its truly because I can’t or because I won’t. It sucks to unwillingly fall in love with someone that you are never meant to truly be with. I’ve given up on everything and I know I probably shouldn’t but I have and I don’t know how to be ok. I just want the pain to stop the emptiness to go away, I want to succeed and get good things in my life. I want to be able to want to be happy, but I don’t think I can. Because I know that nothing will ever truly work, you can do everything right be the nicest kindest person in the world and life will still fuck you over. Nothing is guaranteed so why want something that your going to loose anyway?? I just don’t even see the point really I hate that I’m like this.