I’m 18 years old, and I’m done with life. It all started when I was 12. I started self harming. I’m not really sure why I started, but I couldn’t stop. Anytime anything went wrong, I would cut. 6 years later, I’m still cutting. I can’t control the urge, ive tired so hard to stop… but I just can’t. I’m covered in scars. I’ve seen therapists, counsellors, every kind of mental health professional you can think of and they still can’t find out what treatment works for me. They’ve tried it all. I’ve been sexually abused by a man who is still walking free, abandoned and emotionally abused by my father. Ive been diagnosed with depression, bipolar disorder, anxiety, social anxiety and abandonment issues. I’ve had plenty of pills and been sectioned several times and nothing works. I’ve attempted suicide 3 times, but only one of those attempts was one I Really did NOT want to survive. I can’t keep friends, I’m a burden to my family, I can’t do anything, I’m not good at anything, I’m ugly, I’m fat, I’m disgusting, I’m useless, I’m a failure and I’m becoming a pathetic drug addict. There’s nothing I want in life. I have no ambition. I don’t want to be this way, I wish I was happy or at least normal. but I’m miserable and I want to die. I don’t eat anymore, I rarely sleep… everyday feels like hell. I just want to be free and at peace. I think I’m going to end it all and make sure there’s no chance I can survive…
I don’t want to hurt my loved ones… but I just can’t do it anymore. I’m just a waste of space.
I’m sorry.
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4 comments
Trust me, I know what you are feeling. No I was abused, but I did self harm. I’m sure you aren’t ugly, fat, or anything else. I think that about myself as well.. people often tell me it’s not true. You aren’t a waste of space, trust me. I may not be able to give you any advice, but I’ve been where you are. I’m still there. If you every need or want to talk, don’t hesitate to send me a message or anything else. When everyone else leaves, I’ll be here for you.
Amelia–I get some of what you’re expressing. Your life can have been falling apart for years, the professionals can’t help you (even though they SAY they are–great for them, at least), and you get to the point where all you want is just NOT to have a tomorrow. The first thought that goes through your mind when you wake up is, “F*ck, how the hell am I going to get through another day?” And on top of all that, you feel guilty about the effect your suicide would have on people who tell you they love and need you.
It’s like there’s no way to win.
You are not a waste you have compassion because you are thinking of others. That made me feel something emotionally.you have value. I totally get the no win thing. Maybe I am not saying the right things. I just wanted to say something after reading it.
Actually at the age of like 11 I started and it wouldn’t end, I went to a hospital for six days, and I came out perfect, but people like you, I would want to talk to, but it may be to late, you know there are people there for you but you can’t accept it because all of this pressure your under! And if it isn’t too late, I hope it never happens, everyone has something unique to them, no one is a waste of space, including you.